May is Mental Health Awareness Month

....as well as many other causes' awareness month, but, since this is my blog, I am choosing to highlight May as Mental Health Awareness month.

I thought I would share a couple of ways you could either learn more about Mental Health or support the cause:

1. If you have not heard of The Bloggess aka Jenny Lawson, I highly recommend you look into her work. Of course, there is her blog. I also highly recommend her book Furiously Happy; I recommend this book because it discusses and explains mental illness with humor. So often we see commercials for antidepressants with a cloud hanging over the protagonist and the ridiculous number of side effects, but it is nice to take a different perspective on it - one with laughter. I even have a notebook with "We're All Mad Here" - a quote from Alice in Wonderland - that I bring to almost all of my psychiatrist appointments. When my psychiatrist first noticed it, he kind of raised one eyebrow at me and I responded with "What? I should at least have some fun with all of this." He laughed and nodded his agreement. Anyways, Jenny Lawson's book is also great for anyone who is trying to better understand mental illness, specifically anxiety and depression. One of my favorite analogies from this book has to do with spoons. The idea is that each day you are given a certain number of spoons for that day; the spoons represent strength, resiliency, etc. When you are afflicted with a mental illness you have fewer spoons, and you wake up each morning with the same number of spoons you went to sleep with. I shared this analogy with those close to me to explain why I didn't necessarily feel better after 'a good night's rest.' Sleep does not necessarily help to combat mental illnesses. It may be easier to fight a mental illness when you are well rested, but I find that when I am in the throes of a depression or a particularly anxious time, it is even harder than normal for me to get a good night's sleep, so sleep is not really a cure to mental illnesses. Lawson has another, more autobiographical book entitled Let's Pretend This Never Happened (also good for a lol) and a coloring book.

2. If you like nail polish and have not heard of color street, you should definitely look into it. Cute designs at affordable prices, easy application, and long wear. I'm specifically mentioning them because they have a design called Listen and Love that includes a green ribbon for mental health awareness (there are other awarenesses that also utilize a green ribbon so you could also get it for other causes). $2 of the purchase goes towards two separate organizations aimed at helping youth afflicted by mental illness. I am not really familiar with the organizations the money is going towards, but from what I have read on them, they sound great.

3. Finally, there is the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention. I have mentioned this organization before when I participated in one of their Out of the Darkness Walks. As I have gotten to know others battling mental illness I have learned the hard way how some mental illness cases end. The AFSP is a private organization that supports those who have been affected by suicide as well as works to find various ways to reduce suicide in this country. I strongly support this organization as I have lost two friends to suicide.

If you have any questions or suggestions, please feel free to reach out to me.

An Accomplishment

     As a gift for my birthday, my parents helped provide funds to get two tickets to the Hozier concert in Dallas on March 29.
     As much as I wanted and was excited to attend the concert, I was also very hesitant about it because events like a concert generally incite anxiety in me, and I have missed out on many events like the Hozier concert because of my depression and anxiety.
     So, I was not sure if I would actually be able to attend this concert. My sister and I attended one of Hozier's concerts during his first US tour back in 2015, so it seemed appropriate that my sister was my "guest" to this performance. I also had some hope that I would be able to make this year's performance since I made the initial performance years ago and that performance included travel to Austin.
     Anyways, I MADE IT! I made it to the concert, and, despite occasionally feeling like I wanted to leave, I made it through the concert in its entirety. Although it may not seem like it, this was a pretty significant accomplishment for me - following through on plans for a fairly large event.
     Below are a couple of blurry pictures from the concert and a tweet showing that Hozier (Andrew) seemed to enjoy the concert as well.
    Thank you to all who have and continue to support me, understand when I do cancel plans last minute, and cheer me on in various aspects of my life.

My 26th and 27th Birthdays

So my 26th birthday was last year, and I didn't post anything about it because I was sick with a sinus infection, which turned into sinusitis (chronic sinus infection, yeah, apparently that's a thing), which then turned into a small case of bronchitis/walking pneumonia. All to say, it wasn't very fun and the illness dragged on way longer than I would have liked or anticipated. I think I still technically have sinusitis to this day, though I am actually able to get out of bed and do stuff and am not completely miserable. I just blow my nose more often than the average person. A significant event occurring with my 26th birthday was getting kicked off my parents' insurance. This was a pretty big fear of mine, and I had been preparing for it/thinking about it for years prior to its date. Luckily, I can get insurance through school, so it really wasn't that big of a deal. What was annoying was the two months when I had a primary and a secondary insurance. Apparently, my insurance through school was supposed to be primary all along and my parents' was supposed to be secondary but the scary lady on the phone who represented my parents' insurance adamantly ordered me that my parents' insurance was primary. So all the claims I had for the months of January-February (and there were a lot between my sinus issues and regular therapy appointments) had to be submitted twice so that they could be processed correctly. It was super fun. I feel like I am just now finished with that process.

So, my 27th birthday. Just a few weeks ago. It started off fairly well with a lovely Italian dinner the night before my birthday with my family. We went back to my parents' house and watched baby videos from when my sister and I were about 2 and 4. We were pretty cute. It was difficult to watch the videos though because quite a few of my loved ones who were pictured in the videos are no longer with us. My parents attended a memorial service for a dear family friend on the day of my birthday, so my sister was stuck with me. I slept in. Late. We went out for lunch with one of my sister's friends and then I went back to the house and slept some more (my depression has kind of been acting up so I have been sleeping ridiculous amounts). Originally, I wanted to go play with otters in Fort Worth, but that activity was booked up on the weekends until April. Finally, I roused myself from my slumber and my sister and I watched Bohemian Rhapsody and ordered pizza. We watched some more baby videos sometime on Saturday and it made me sad again. The sadness magnified to the point that I started crying on Saturday night. But it's okay because it was (kind of) my party and I could cry if I want to. Looking back on the festivities, it was really quite nice. It was low-key and relaxed, which is how I like things these days.

Cyclical Cycles, Fate, and Irony

This post is long overdue because the subject of this post began the day after my last post.

I made my last post stating how awesome I was doing, how this new treatment I was pursuing was working, and how hopeful I was.

Within 24 hours of posting that piece to my blog, I could feel the depression creeping back in. After talking with the receptionist of the clinic I had been going to, it was determined that I did not fit their 'standard' model of treatment and would, instead, follow their Plan B treatment. I was scheduled for another treatment that same week.

I immediately felt better for 2 reasons: 1. I felt like I was heard. My fears and concerns were not pushed aside and the symptoms I shared were valued. 2. We had a plan, and it had worked before. Even though I wasn't able to go the 'typical' length of time without a treatment, I was not being punished for my body's reactions. I was accepted back as a patient and I knew another treatment was coming. Since they had worked in the past, why wouldn't they work now? All was good.

I went through about three extra "Plan B" treatments but wasn't really improving. I actually dipped significantly in the middle of the last treatment. I called the office and asked to meet with the doctor overseeing my treatment. After some miscommunication, the receptionist and I got on the same page and squeezed me in to do a phone meeting with the doctor just before she took her holiday vacation.

I spoke to the doctor relaying my concerns that it felt like the treatment was no longer working and shared the negative toll during the most recent treatment. The provider I was seeing used a program that sent me daily texts asking me to rate my day, and they also used PHQ-9 surveys to follow patients' moods and how they relate to treatments. Almost as soon as I relayed my concerns about the treatment no longer being beneficial, the doctor agreed, based on the numbers/graphs the data had collected for her. She even said that it looked like the treatment may have become "detrimental" to me.

This was bittersweet news. More bitter than sweet. The sweet news was that I, once again, was being heard, and the actions I felt needed to be taken were made (i.e., stopping treatment). The far more bitter part is that I am kind of back at square one. We were all really hopeful that this treatment was going to work and provide a more stable life for me, and it did, for about three weeks, which I'm incredibly grateful for. Those were the best three or so weeks I can remember having in a very long time.

Now, I'm working with my regular psychiatrist to try to come up with a new medication cocktail. According to the doctor who oversaw the treatment I received, my neurons would be "bushier" as a result of the treatment so I would be more receptive than normal to antidepressant medication.

My psychiatrist and I are still working to come up with the 'right' medication cocktail. Basically, the problem is the medications that do work, I'm incredibly sensitive to and their side effects become overwhelming and even life-disrupting. My body is like Yes! We'll respond to this one, but we're also going to respond to every other possible thing it can effect.

This entire process is and has been, frustrating and so incredibly draining. I decided to only take one online class this Spring Semester to increase the chances of me being successful with it. After having to take a medical withdrawal last semester, I just want to get something under my belt so I can slowly rebuild my self-confidence when it comes to taking classes.

There are still good things. All is not terrible. It's just different and not what was hoped for or even expected. I think the biggest change I felt when I was doing well on the new treatment was a sense of peace. There were no constant nagging thoughts from my depression that truly require a battle to fight. No wonder I, and so many other people with depression, are so tired all the time. Constantly telling yourself "no, that's not right" or "no, it won't always be like this" or "no it's not that bad" is EXHAUSTING.

So, I'm not in a great place right now, but I'm also not hopeless. I'm looking into some other programs and treatments that are more holistic. I'm slowly entering a new community of supportive people. The flame of hope is still there, flickering, rather than burning brightly for the whole world to see.

To Balance Out My Last Post

Song for this post

After receiving quite a bit of love, concern, and support from many friends and loved ones, I realized I should probably balance out my last, rather pessimistic, post with a more optimistic one.

Optimism does not come naturally to me. In the third grade 'optimist' was one of my spelling words. I asked my dad what it meant. He replied, "Someone who does not have all the facts." I nodded sagely (I imagine) and repeated the definition (I'm sure to my teacher's horror/confusion) the next day in school.

For me, pessimism comes naturally. It's the result of the combination of my anxiety and depression. It generally leads to less disappointment, after all, if you aren't optimistic about a certain situation, what is there to be disappointed about? This mindset has led to me building walls around myself, but it has also prevented me from seeing and feeling the good in life. It has fed my depression, so to speak.

Now to the good, happy part. The treatment I just finished SEEMS TO BE WORKING!!! My depression is almost, essentially gone *knocks on wood* as well as my anxiety. I still feel both, but they are more of a fleeting feeling rather than a life ruling, life-sucking, handicap.

Nearly at some point during every single day, I can step back from what is going on, take an internal inventory, and, with a smile, say to myself "I feel good." Yes, this has led to some rather embarrassing dancing to James Brown's song, but it is fun.

I have not felt this good, this consistently, since receiving my diagnoses at Berkeley seven and a half years ago.

Unfortunately, the treatment I am pursuing is not a cure so I will have to go in for booster treatments approximately once a month, but that is a very small price to pay to feel SO much better.

The real test will come when I take a class again next semester to see how I cope with the stresses I have become so accustomed to when it comes to school but, dare I say, I am optimistic because even during this downtime since taking the medical withdrawal, I have CHOSEN to do at least a little something every single day. Gone are the days spent in bed either wallowing in my sadness or when I am too handicapped by my depression/anxiety to even drag myself out of bed.

I think it's safe to say I am cautiously optimistic for the future, and that is with knowing ALL the facts 😉

Thank you to everyone for all the love, support, and reassurances after my last post and for inspiring me to write this one 💗

ANOTHER Medical Withdrawal

Song to accompany this post

Originally written in early-mid November:

My depression and anxiety have become significantly worse over the past few months (essentially since the fall semester started), and, in early October, my request for a non-academic withdrawal from UTD for the semester was approved.

At first, I thought the symptoms I was experiencing were simply a result of beginning a new semester. I've never been good with change and thought I was just having trouble adjusting to my new 'class' (really an internship for which I received school credit) for the semester. Unfortunately, those symptoms remained and only got worse.

I saw my psychiatrist and he finally told me I needed to take the non-academic/medical withdrawal, twice. He could see how much I did not want to take that action, but he made it very clear that this was not up for discussion and that he would do everything in his power to make it a reality (not in a threatening manner - just looking out for my best interests). After that session with my psychiatrist, I pretty quickly accepted the need for a withdrawal and was overwhelmed with relief. I began the process of getting all the documentation together to request a non-academic withdrawal and sent all of the 'evidence' proving the necessity for such a withdrawal within a couple of days.

Although I experienced relief, I also experienced significant disappointment. It feels like I have taken countless medical/non-academic withdrawals from the various schools I have attended (at least one for every school), and I was hoping my career at UTD would be different, untainted by such a withdrawal.

The need for this withdrawal was also more difficult because as of the end of the Summer 2018 semester, I was, and am, finally a college senior. This probably seems like a very small accomplishment as I was supposed to be a college senior by the Fall 2013 semester, but for me, it is huge. I have experienced such a significant setback and various challenges with my college career since my mental health diagnoses because I have only been able to take 1-2 classes/semester because my anxiety, and, thus, perfectionism has become overwhelming.

Once I received the news that I was officially a college senior at UTD, I quickly planned out a possible future schedule for each semester and determined that it was (possibly) feasible to graduate in Spring 2020. I was excited and hopeful. I felt that I could see a light at the end of the tunnel, so to speak, and the withdrawal from this Fall semester only sets me back from that plan and of finally accomplishing the fulfillment of all requirements for a Bachelor's Degree.

I can make up for the withdrawal from this semester by taking a class or two over the summer, but I also do not want to feel such an obligation. I would like to actually have a summer or two off to actually take a vacation if I feel up to doing so (that's a whole 'nother post).

I know this post is extremely pessimistic, but I do have hope as I recently began a new treatment. I do not want to elaborate on that at this point but plan to do so in the near future once I'm farther along with the treatment and am in a relatively stable place.

Although this semester has not gone as planned, I do still have hope. It is difficult for me to accept this unexpected setback and the loss of the amazing project I was working on with my internship, but if my mental illness diagnoses have taught me anything it is that those diagnoses will come out to get me at the most unexpected and unwelcome times. The silver lining, though, is that I am able to seek out this new treatment, especially since the holidays are nearing, and I have hope that I will be able to actually participate in all the various holiday celebrations and enjoy them. Thank you all for your support and love in all of its various forms. I'm still fighting and do see at least the potential for hope and light in my future.

Update: Thanskgiving went well with my family and I was able to participate (fully) in nearly all activities 😀

Pittsburgh Synagogue Shooting

Written 11/1/18:

I began writing this Sunday, October 28, 2018. It’s taken me time to write and edit it because I really feel like I have to get it right, but, now I’m realizing/thinking it’s more important to simply get my thoughts out rather than trying to make it perfect.

Since my official depression diagnosis, I have built walls up around me to protect me from horrible things that do not directly affect me. Horrible things happen every day, and if I let each of them affect me, I would never leave my bedroom – both from a fearful and saddened/depressed state. Well, Saturday’s shooting really got to me after finally watching news coverage the day after the horrible event. I just started sobbing. I am so sad that this is where our country is at this time. I am so sad for my friends who are Jewish to have members of their faith killed, solely because they were practicing their faith. It’s scary, and it’s not okay.

Written Sunday:

I know this happened yesterday, but it's just now really starting to hit me. I heard about it yesterday but only just now saw any visuals from it on the news. What really got to me was the candle light vigil service held last night. I also became upset after hearing that the church I grew up in used to have a police officer outside the church at services in recent years and now an armed individual is at services in an officer's place. I feel like this taints the service and leads to a loss of innocence within the children who attend the services. Nothing like that ever took place when I attended the church. It wasn't even a consideration. I am so sad that this is reality, and I truly hope something significant, yet reasonable, changes so we have a new, better, different, more optimistic reality in which to live.

Written: 11/1/18

After grieving for those who senselessly lost their lives, I pulled myself out of my rut and went to a local candidate’s office. The candidate is handing out hand-written postcards to encourage last minute voters to exercise their important right. I took home a package of 100 postcards and started writing messages to encourage registered voters to exercise their right to vote. I took my grief and am doing the little I can to try to enact change. Thoughts and prayers will be given, but, I think, we need more than that, and I hope the little more I am doing will have an effect.