I asked, and now I will try to make some money from this blog

Since the six votes regarding advertising on here indicated that y’all aren’t opposed to me allowing advertising on my blog, I’m going to try it out. Not really sure what’s going to happen or how it will work. I will be EXTREMELY happy if I make enough to buy a Large Vanilla Diet Dr. Pepper during Sonic’s Happy Hour.

Technology: Friend or Foe?

I think I’m one of the few Millennials who really isn’t a fan of technology, especially when it comes to upgrades of current products.

For example, when it comes to smartphones, the first thought/feeling that comes to mind is “Ugh.” They are great and all and allow us to do so many things, but when it comes to trying to learn something new on my phone or GOD FORBID change the setting of an app, I would rather see if there’s a simpler way to do it on my laptop, or some other avoidant “solution.”

I like instructions. I like guidance. Whenever I try to figure out how to do something on my phone on my own, I tend to change something I had no intention of changing, and most of the time, the change is negative. I know that when there are upgrades or you use something new, it is usually accompanied by some kind of guide or tutorial, which is nice, but if I don’t have five minutes to dedicate to sitting through that tutorial and really absorbing the new information, I’m going to skip it. Then, when I do have the time to dedicate to the tutorial I can’t find it anywhere (even though when the tutorial was initially introduced I clicked the button/link saying something like “Remind Me Later”).

I’m really excited about the new Nokia 3310 https://www.nokia.com/en_int/phones/nokia-3310, a throwback to one of the original cell phones. Unfortunately, the one thing I care about on a phone, the camera, pretty much sucks. That’s the only thing I get excited about on a new phone model – better zoom capabilities, higher quality photos, etc. Having a phone constantly ready at your fingertips is awesome.

The fact that my dad is SUPER literate in technology and always knows about the new stuff coming out, probably doesn’t help me because whenever I’m having a problem, I just go to him. This eliminates the need for me to figure out things on my own because I pretty much always have him as a resource.

After graduating high school, I was gifted a Macbook. It was awesome, but from day 1, there were little bugs. I took it in a few times to the Apple Store to get it looked at by the “Geniuses,” but they couldn’t figure out what was going on. Basically, it would just randomly go to sleep or shut down whenever it felt like it. This wasn’t really a problem until I was working on my final paper for my English class at Cal. It was the first research paper I had ever written, at 15 pages the longest, and the first paper that required footnotes. It was quite daunting, especially considering that I got a D (I think) on the first submission of the previous major assignment (I think I’m going to write a post about that whole experience later). So, I’m on like page 7 of this paper, which is also the equivalent of my final, and of course I didn’t save my work since I had made about a page of progress and my lovely Macbook SHUTS DOWN. I’m freaking out. For all I know, this is the end of my Macbook and not only was the newly typed page lost but all the previous pages as well. Luckily, after some frantic moments I recovered my document, “only” missing a page of my work. I was not happy. I visited the flagship Mac store in SF to consult another “genius.” I was so fed up at this point, that the thought of “accidentally dropping” my Macbook from the second floor of the store crossed my mind. It would have been nice to make a grand statement like that amongst all the Apple cult members. My mom urged me to not follow this impulse. When I finally had the privilege of consulting with a “genius” he said I would need to send in my Macbook to have whatever work done to it, and it would take a week-a month to be fixed. I looked at him in horror and said, “I’m a college student. I can’t be without a computer that long.” I didn’t get any sympathy from him. I had listened to all these Mac lovers exalt Mac and spit on the thought of a PC. I was really regretting the fact that I got a Mac rather than a PC. Sometime later, I described the problems of my Macbook to a friend from high school who was well-known for loving all things Mac. He kind of shrugged and said, “I think you got a lemon.” Of course I did. I, of all people, would get the one screwed up Macbook. The end of my Macbook came four years after it was purchased, in 2014, when the hard drive crashed. I made another pilgrimage to an apple store. The “genius” there told me that the hard drive would have to be replaced but that it would cost less than buying a completely new laptop. She came back with a quote around $1,000. I’m pretty sure my eyes bugged out. No, I was not going to spend $1,000 on this piece of crap. I then became more upset when I walked out of the store, through the front, and the new Macbook Air was on display for around $800. Thanks, “genius,” for your thoroughly accurate diagnostic. I could have bought a new computer for a lower price.

HAHAHAHAHAHA I think my current Lenovo is reading this piece because Word started “Not Responding,” and of course, I had not saved this draft yet, but, unlike my Macbook my lovely PC laptop quickly recovered and no problems ensued. I did immediately save my document though.

*Deep sigh of irritation*

So yeah, if I can avoid using new technology, I do. I don’t get excited when new products come out. I still use a small paper calendar that I keep in my purse for all my appointments and reminders. I get made fun of for it often, but it works for me and makes me happy.

(I’m not lost on the irony that this piece was written on a laptop and published on an online blog.) I don’t detest all technology, it’s great for some things – like this. I’m certain that I will use Moleskines for the rest of my life. They’re pretty irresistible after discovering Hemingway used them. I feel like knowing this gives me the thought that by using them, I will write something extremely profound. Also, I have always learned information in class better when I write it down. I encountered a problem with this in an Anthropology class I took at Cal (that was a very interesting class) because the professor went through information rapidly. I began taking notes on my Macbook and then went back to my dorm and wrote them all down in a spiral notebook. One of my friends, who was also in the class, couldn’t believe this practice I developed, but it worked for me.

I guess the one thing I’m really looking forward to is having a car that can parallel park itself because lord knows I can’t do that to save my life. (Spatial Relations was the one area on the Math TAKS where I would occasionally get a question wrong. I had to explain this to one of the assistant managers when I worked at Barnes & Noble when he tried to explain that recovering the shelves after the store closed was like playing Tetris.)

If anyone can explain to me why the number of Pageviews today on here is significantly higher than the number of Daily Pageviews for the post I published yesterday, I would greatly appreciate it. When you enter the url for my blog, it automatically takes you to the latest post, so I really don’t understand how those numbers are different at all.

I have a long way to go with all of this technology business.

So, It's Been Awhile....

Hi! So, this is my first post since….last August? I’m really sorry about that.

I have ideas all the time for things to write about, but I either get scared to write a post because it won’t be “perfect,” or, much more simply, I forget.

I ask everyone I know who has read my blog for feedback. I want to know what you guys think! What do you like? What don’t you like? What should I do more or less of? Do you want everything to be about mental health/my life, or is it ok if I throw in some REALLY random stuff?

One person who I recently became friends with read my blog and said he was impressed, but he said he noticed some grammar issues and suggested I use Grammarly.com. At first, I was totally taken aback, because, if you know me, you know I’m a bit of a grammar Nazi/snob. I was especially surprised because he specifically mentioned that I had neglected to include an Oxford comma in a post. If you don’t know what an Oxford comma is and want to find out, here you go à https://www.grammarly.com/blog/what-is-the-oxford-comma-and-why-do-people-care-so-much-about-it/   Anyways, this was really surprising to me because I have this weird, unexplainable LOVE, ADMIRATION, and APPRECIATION for the Oxford comma. I really don’t know how to explain it…..it’s similar to my OBSESSION with mushrooms, particularly truffles. (One Christmas I got truffle oil in my stocking. Yeah, it’s that serious/weird). So, I thought about my friend’s suggestion, and as much as I want these blog posts to have proper grammar, spelling, etc. I also want it to be really true and natural to me. I think that checking my posts with Grammarly before publishing them goes against that. Plus, it’s a way for me to be vulnerable in a hopefully positive and healthy way. AND it helps me fight my ever-present and constant battle with perfectionism.

So, I will do my very best to be better about publishing posts more often. When I have a thought or idea that I think would make for an interesting post, I will try to write as soon as possible. Sidetrack: I started using Evernote recently, and oh my goodness, what a great way to keep track of my multitude of thoughts that are all over the place. Plus, the fact that I can use it both on my laptop and phone is awesome. My memory has taken a big hit since depression came into my life. In case you didn’t know, depression AND anti-depressants negatively affect memory. Yeah, it’s awesome. I have had to change the way I study for classes. The irony that anti-depressants also negatively affect memory is just…. overwhelming. It’s definitely one of those things that you have to laugh hysterically about.

I will finish this post by recommending that you check out thebloggess.com. I recently discovered Jenny Lawson thanks to a friend, and I CAN’T GET ENOUGH OF HER. I’m currently reading Furiously Happy and just received her new, totally awesome coloring book, You Are Here, in the mail. I got a signed copy!!!! Heck yes!

Thank you all for your patience. I really and truly appreciate it, and if you have ANY kind of suggestion, comment, etc. please do not hesitate to relay it to me in some fashion. <3

Labels Can Be Removed

Tonight, I watched Michael Phelps carry in the US flag representing the American team for the 2016 Olympics. He is seen as a role model, something to strive for, a representative of the great country that is the United States. Seven years ago, in 2009, Michael Phelps was in a much different place. He was known for his recreational and illegal use of marijuana.

During the summer of 2009, I was working my first job as a swim instructor for my hometown’s public pool/recreational center. At one point during the summer, I got a break from the two-year-old beginners and the baby pool that surely contained urine and got to work with a group of fourth grade boys. This was a much different experience. One day, we worked on kicking off the wall to begin the swimming formation. I told them we were going to be “like Michael Phelps.” One of the boys immediately responded “he’s a pothead.” I quickly changed my analogy and tried to derail the snickering boys’ attention.

Michael Phelps made a significant comeback in the 2012 Olympics in London, becoming the most decorated Olympian of all time.

We all make mistakes. As long as we own up to them and bear any possible consequences, they do not have to define us. The same with a diagnosis. It’s something that happens to you and as long as you do not let it define you, everyone else will eventually move on and will similarly not define you by that abnormality. It doesn’t matter how many people know. It’s not about keeping a secret. Sometimes that makes it worse. If Michael Phelps can move from “Pothead” to “Olympian,” I and my peers can certainly move from “Depressed” to “Content.”

#cryingincontacts

I wasn’t warned when I began wearing contacts in the eighth grade to avoid crying while wearing them. Like most things in life, I had to learn that lesson on my own.

It wasn’t until I was working a part-time job in 2013, and I was on the phone with my therapist, crying, during a break in my shift, that (with my therapist’s suggestion) I bought a spare contact lens case and a small bottle of contact lens solution to keep in my car for situations just like this.

For when I unexpectedly begin to cry and the tears are so overwhelming that my vision becomes blurred and the contacts, which are supposed to correct my vision, simply become a hindrance.

I had been warned not to sleep in my contacts (apparently this is a common haphazard), but apparently it’s not so common to sob while wearing your contacts – at least not enough that your doctor gives you fair warning about it.

Just another omittance because the mental health field is not taken into consideration in the broad scope of things.

A MAJOR Change

After my diagnosis of depression in early 2011, I assumed that my current/former dreams/passion of a career in gene therapy were no longer valid. Why? The diagnosis revealed that I had been repressing quite a bit of emotion for the vast majority of my life; didn’t this mean that I must be repressing my true career goal and passion as well? Despite the amazing internship I had in the Bay Area, and the fact that I loved it, I abandoned all ideas of a career in the science field.

About six months later, I took a long series of career interest tests. What were the results? I had a strong interest and strength in science. Shocking. It also said I would be a good librarian. I could see that.

Fast forward to 2013 when I was receiving outpatient treatment in Houston. I decided to dip my toe in the waters of the Real World by taking an online class through Houston Community College. I decided to take Introduction to Psychology because I thought it would be interesting. It was. I learned a lot not only about Psychology, but also about myself.

I decided that this was the field I was supposed to enter. I’ve always wanted to help people, and, in this way, I could help people who have struggled, or are struggling, with depression and/or anxiety as well. Plus the coursework for a degree in Psychology seemed far less daunting than the coursework I had started to pursue at Cal for a degree in Molecular Cell Biology with an emphasis in Genetics. Try saying that five times fast. I was also GENUINELY interested in and passionate about the content, and I had a personal interest in it as well.

I took another Psychology class when I moved back to the Dallas Area and enjoyed it as well. These classes were not super stressful. They were more enjoyable, but I was definitely still learning a lot. It felt like this was what college was supposed to be like.

This past fall I transferred to UNT as a part-time student. I took a required upper-level statistics course, and although it wasn’t quite as interesting because the content wasn’t psychology based, I still enjoyed it. It was particularly easy to find it enjoyable because I had a lot of time to focus on the class since it was the only one I was taking that semester; I could really focus on it and get the most out of it. Also, the professor was really great.

Then this spring semester came; to say the beginning was challenging and overwhelming would be an understatement. I was enrolled in two classes. I had never taken two semesters back to back before. I went through phases where I thought I would drop both courses completely, then I thought I would drop the less interesting course – I cycled through these thoughts quite a bit and reached out to everyone I could think of for their help and opinions, especially because my parents were out of town at the time. I eventually decided to try to tackle both courses, and I’m glad I made that decision.

One day, I had some extra time in the psychology building, where both of my classes are held, so I figured I might as well go to one of the advisors on the third floor and declare my major. It was a quick and easy process. Knowing myself and my proclivity for indeciveness, I made sure that this declaration was not set in stone; the advisor assured me it wasn’t and that students changed their majors all the time.

WELL GOOD THING I ASKED!!!!

BECAUSE, I met with my academic advisor about a month ago to plan the classes I would take over the summer and fall semesters. I explained to her that at this time I wasn’t planning on pursuing a doctorate but that I wanted to have the option to do so. Boy did she go into a whirlwind. It meant I needed to take this class and that class, and” Was I comfortable taking two really difficult classes in the same semester?” Utterly flustered, I basically said “No.” And the answer was really No – to all of it. I didn’t want to take these ridiculously difficult, uninteresting classes. It was beginning to become clear to me that this was no longer going to be fun.

This leads me to THE CHANGE. Another reason I strayed from a degree in the hard sciences is because there were quite a few classes that didn’t sound like fun and were going to be quite challenging. Sound familiar? After the meeting with my academic advisor, I realized that I was going to hit this road block with almost any major, Why not confront this road block with the major that would lead me to my dream job – gene therapy? Something that I have quite a bit of experience in. Something where I had an amazing internship that I still dream about and long for. Something that could somewhat realistically get me back to the Bay Area which is so near and dear to my heart. Yes, I wanted to help people by getting a degree in psychology, but by getting a degree in a hard science and working in gene therapy, I would be helping people at a macro level (potentially by the thousands if I found a technique that cured a significant disease) rather than a micro, individual level (individual therapy).

So, I met with a career counselor to see if I was even really thinking clearly. He seemed fairly amused by the whole situation. “Why did you change to Psychology?” “How do you already have all this experience?” “Why do you want to study Biochemistry when Biology would (obviously) be a better fit for you?” “I’m sure you have already looked at the required coursework.” “No.” Quizzical look. “I don’t want to think about how much longer I’m going to be in school.” Anyways the result of this rather interesting meeting was this very nice and empathic man telling me to meet with an advisor to tell them I want to change my major from a B.A. in Psychology to a B.S. in Biology.

An hour later I scheduled the appointment for the following week, and I’m extremely excited about the future. As well as scared as hell. I’m going completely out of my comfort zone. No more “easy,” “fun” classes. This is going to be the real deal, hard core stuff. I will be taking general chemistry (my fourth attempt, that’s another story) this summer. My younger sister, a high school chemistry teacher, has said that she will help me. That will be the first major hurdle – getting through the first class related to the major. If I can do that successfully, in my terms of success, which I’m working with my psychologist to redefine, then I think I will be on a good path for the rest of my degree. ……Not so sure about Organic Chemistry, but we will get there when we get there.

P.S. I’m super proud of myself for coming up with the awesome title of this piece!

P.P.S. After meeting with my psychologist today the whole “change” thing may not even happen….

My 24th Birthday

I haven’t really celebrated my birthday for the past few years. One year, I believe I deactivated my Facebook around that time so I wouldn’t have to see all the well wishes. One year, I literally told my mom “Don’t tell me Happy Birthday.” I’m pretty sure this devastated her.

Why all this avoidance? In 2011, about two weeks before my nineteenth birthday, I was diagnosed with major depression. Since then, I have associated my birthday with the diagnosis. Also, my birthday has been an annual marker reminding me that I haven’t been where I have wanted to be in my life (graduated from college, secure in a full-time job, in graduate school, etc.)

This year, I’m fully embracing my birthday. I fully acknowledge that I’m being obnoxious about it, but I’m making up for about five years of not really celebrating. This year, I’m in college, on the road to where I want to be in life, though not quite there yet. My depression and anxiety are relatively under control and I’m working on further expanding my support network.

I’m actually looking forward to the future and what it may bring. Despite being a (nearly) 24-year-old undergraduate student, my experiences have been quite positive, and I have made some new, really good friends. All the worries I had about returning to school and living on my own were pretty much debunked, and I’ve already made even more progress this semester on living a more independent life (I’m also kicking butt and taking names when it comes to school).

So come February 23, I will proudly own the fact that it is the day of my birth and not think back to five years previous when I was first diagnosed; instead, I will think of my present life and all that I have accomplished and all the more I have to look forward to.