ANOTHER Medical Withdrawal

Song to accompany this post

Originally written in early-mid November:

My depression and anxiety have become significantly worse over the past few months (essentially since the fall semester started), and, in early October, my request for a non-academic withdrawal from UTD for the semester was approved.

At first, I thought the symptoms I was experiencing were simply a result of beginning a new semester. I've never been good with change and thought I was just having trouble adjusting to my new 'class' (really an internship for which I received school credit) for the semester. Unfortunately, those symptoms remained and only got worse.

I saw my psychiatrist and he finally told me I needed to take the non-academic/medical withdrawal, twice. He could see how much I did not want to take that action, but he made it very clear that this was not up for discussion and that he would do everything in his power to make it a reality (not in a threatening manner - just looking out for my best interests). After that session with my psychiatrist, I pretty quickly accepted the need for a withdrawal and was overwhelmed with relief. I began the process of getting all the documentation together to request a non-academic withdrawal and sent all of the 'evidence' proving the necessity for such a withdrawal within a couple of days.

Although I experienced relief, I also experienced significant disappointment. It feels like I have taken countless medical/non-academic withdrawals from the various schools I have attended (at least one for every school), and I was hoping my career at UTD would be different, untainted by such a withdrawal.

The need for this withdrawal was also more difficult because as of the end of the Summer 2018 semester, I was, and am, finally a college senior. This probably seems like a very small accomplishment as I was supposed to be a college senior by the Fall 2013 semester, but for me, it is huge. I have experienced such a significant setback and various challenges with my college career since my mental health diagnoses because I have only been able to take 1-2 classes/semester because my anxiety, and, thus, perfectionism has become overwhelming.

Once I received the news that I was officially a college senior at UTD, I quickly planned out a possible future schedule for each semester and determined that it was (possibly) feasible to graduate in Spring 2020. I was excited and hopeful. I felt that I could see a light at the end of the tunnel, so to speak, and the withdrawal from this Fall semester only sets me back from that plan and of finally accomplishing the fulfillment of all requirements for a Bachelor's Degree.

I can make up for the withdrawal from this semester by taking a class or two over the summer, but I also do not want to feel such an obligation. I would like to actually have a summer or two off to actually take a vacation if I feel up to doing so (that's a whole 'nother post).

I know this post is extremely pessimistic, but I do have hope as I recently began a new treatment. I do not want to elaborate on that at this point but plan to do so in the near future once I'm farther along with the treatment and am in a relatively stable place.

Although this semester has not gone as planned, I do still have hope. It is difficult for me to accept this unexpected setback and the loss of the amazing project I was working on with my internship, but if my mental illness diagnoses have taught me anything it is that those diagnoses will come out to get me at the most unexpected and unwelcome times. The silver lining, though, is that I am able to seek out this new treatment, especially since the holidays are nearing, and I have hope that I will be able to actually participate in all the various holiday celebrations and enjoy them. Thank you all for your support and love in all of its various forms. I'm still fighting and do see at least the potential for hope and light in my future.

Update: Thanskgiving went well with my family and I was able to participate (fully) in nearly all activities 😀

Pittsburgh Synagogue Shooting

Written 11/1/18:

I began writing this Sunday, October 28, 2018. It’s taken me time to write and edit it because I really feel like I have to get it right, but, now I’m realizing/thinking it’s more important to simply get my thoughts out rather than trying to make it perfect.

Since my official depression diagnosis, I have built walls up around me to protect me from horrible things that do not directly affect me. Horrible things happen every day, and if I let each of them affect me, I would never leave my bedroom – both from a fearful and saddened/depressed state. Well, Saturday’s shooting really got to me after finally watching news coverage the day after the horrible event. I just started sobbing. I am so sad that this is where our country is at this time. I am so sad for my friends who are Jewish to have members of their faith killed, solely because they were practicing their faith. It’s scary, and it’s not okay.

Written Sunday:

I know this happened yesterday, but it's just now really starting to hit me. I heard about it yesterday but only just now saw any visuals from it on the news. What really got to me was the candle light vigil service held last night. I also became upset after hearing that the church I grew up in used to have a police officer outside the church at services in recent years and now an armed individual is at services in an officer's place. I feel like this taints the service and leads to a loss of innocence within the children who attend the services. Nothing like that ever took place when I attended the church. It wasn't even a consideration. I am so sad that this is reality, and I truly hope something significant, yet reasonable, changes so we have a new, better, different, more optimistic reality in which to live.

Written: 11/1/18

After grieving for those who senselessly lost their lives, I pulled myself out of my rut and went to a local candidate’s office. The candidate is handing out hand-written postcards to encourage last minute voters to exercise their important right. I took home a package of 100 postcards and started writing messages to encourage registered voters to exercise their right to vote. I took my grief and am doing the little I can to try to enact change. Thoughts and prayers will be given, but, I think, we need more than that, and I hope the little more I am doing will have an effect.

Music Connects Us All

Music Connects Us All

            During my really only semester at Cal, I had a group project in the English class I took. Generally, I loathe group projects because I end up doing the vast majority of the work, but that was not the case because, essentially, all my group members were just as hard workers as me! It was awesome! Plus, our topic was Jorge Luis Borges, so it was truly a fun project!

            Since I was 18 and it was 2010, I became Facebook friends with at least two of my group members. One day, I think after the project, it was about 8 PM in my time zone, one of the group members messaged me on Facebook asking me to please vote for her boyfriend’s band in a local (Bay Area) radio contest. Normally, I would ignore such a request, but, seeing as I was working on some class assignment and this was an opportunity to procrastinate, I dove in. I took the time to listen to the music, and to my delight the band was really good! At this time, the band, Finish Ticket, was still ‘a high school band’ – they were formed sometime during their high school career, and their album, Shake A Symphony has more of a ‘teen angst’ feel than their more recent works. However, I thought they were just fantastic!

            Some of my particular favorites from this first album are: Miss Woe, I'm Glad (trigger warning) and Her Way Out. I never got to see Finish Ticket perform in the Bay Area, but they came to Dallas in 2012(?) as the opener for a relatively unknown band, and a dear friend went with me to the bar in Deep Ellum where they played. I was absolutely disgusted to find that about eight young girls were there who seemed to be Finish Ticket’s biggest fans. I kept muttering under my breath “This isn’t a One Direction Concert.” I then penned an email to my friend back at Cal letting her know what had happened at this concert and that, although her boyfriend was nothing but a gentleman, there were gross, underage girls fawning all over him (he’s the lead singer). She sent back a nice response taking it all in good stride and saying it was a sign that they were starting to make their big break.

            She was correct. Finish Ticket’s next album, Tears You Apart, led to them signing with a record label. Some of my favorite songs from this album include: Bring the Rain and Tranquilize. After signing with Elektra Records, Finish Ticket released When Night Becomes Day. Some of my favorites from this most recent release include: Wrong, their hit single: Color, and, my all-time favorite, and a departure from their regular repertoire, the acoustic Never Alone.

            So, why am I touting the greatness that is Finish Ticket? This band, and their music, have followed me from Cal and provided a frequent support and outlet. I have played Never Alone so many times when I have been upset or distraught that I should be paying the band the cost of a therapy session…..or eight. The other songs are, I feel, not only a reflection of Finish Ticket’s journey to find their voices and “groove,” but, also my own identity and sense of place in the world.

P.S. The best live song, by far, is Bring the Rain.

P.P.S. Let me know if you also like Finish Ticket after, hopefully, clicking a few of the links provided!

P.P.P.S. If you want to help make my dream come true, tweet @FinishTicket and tell them to let me, @dionerin accompany them on cello for Never Alone the next time they tour 😉

Anxiety: A Beast that Refuses to be Tamed

What I feel is a very appropriate song: Flight of the Bumblebee

I literally can't even listen to that right now - as much as I appreciate it.

Anxiety has been an issue for me for as long as I can remember. In third grade, I was unable to take the statewide standardized test because I became physically ill in anticipation of the test, even though I scored some ridiculously high score on the practice test. I even remember thinking that it was incredibly easy. One of the first questions on the practice test was a simple addition problem with a picture diagram. You literally just had to count the total number of candy sticks or whatever the item was. Still, the day of the exam was just too much for me and my body to handle.

Over the years, my anxiety has become worse.

After my initial diagnosis of depression, I was pretty quickly also diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder and was put on medication.

The first medication was effective, but I required such a high dose just to function on a daily basis that it became unsafe so my medication was switched.

I've been on this second medication for years now. I've asked my psychiatrist about lowering or even altogether stopping the medication. He kind of chuckled and said we could work on lowering the dosage but he did not want to see me completely without any kind of anxiety medication. I think that paints a pretty good picture.

About 2 months ago, I had my worst and most different, anxiety/panic attack to date. It just so happened to coincide with a medication change. I began to have significant trouble breathing to the point I thought I was having an allergic reaction to the new medication. It got bad enough that I thought I was experiencing anaphylactic shock. After calling my parents (with great difficulty), because they live nearby, I called 911. With significant effort, I gave the operator my address. As soon as the paramedics arrived, I was magically fine. A little shaken up, but significantly better. I was embarrassed for having called them. They determined it was an anxiety attack and that I was really fine.

Unfortunately, as soon as they left, my symptoms returned. One of my parents came and got me (a benefit to living close to them). At this point, because I was un/subconsciously preventing myself from breathing, my body began to essentially involuntarily snort in order to allow at least some air to enter my body. It was super fun (NOT!).

This is just another reason this whole depression thing is so difficult for me to treat - it's always evolving in some way or another. I've had anxiety attacks before, but they had never presented in this way.

A few years ago, a therapist figured out that each of my depressive episodes is preceded by a period of high anxiety. She was and still is, correct.

I'm going to attempt to make some kind of diagram to explain this and/or steal one I found on Pinterest that I really like:

Begin to feel stressed (rumination, ridiculously fast thought patterns that even I can't keep up with or make sense of, etc.) --> Anxiety --> Debilitating physical symptoms in some form or another --> Feeling like (and to a degree knowing) that I am unable to do/accomplish everything I am thinking about --> Some degree of paralysis --> Depression because I feel useless/unable to accomplish anything --> Things like me spending an excessive amount of time in bed and only doing the bare minimum, if that --> Anxiety because I'm not doing what I need/want to do

AND THE CYCLE BEGINS AGAIN!

Okay, so I didn't make a super cool circular diagram with text boxes and pretty arrows like I initially intended, but I knew to attempt to do so, at least right now, would only frustrate me because it wouldn't be *perfect.* (In case we haven't met, I'm a perfectionist.)

I really like this 'pin' on Pinterest

This is the pin I was really looking for

Thoughts? Questions? Do you relate to any of this? Comment below!!!

Random, Late-Night Musings & The Hilarious World of Depression

I highly recommend the podcast The Hilarious World of Depression to anyone who wants to understand depression better or for anyone who is diagnosed with clinical depression and is curious to hear others' experiences with the disorder.

I just listened to this podcast, and it is, by far, the podcast I have related to most  (explicit language warning): https://www.apmpodcasts.org/thwod/2017/01/andy-richter-on-youthful-melancholy-and-twisted-entertainers/

Why/how do I relate to this podcast in particular? I, too, feel a strong pull to my depression. I've told a therapist that my depression feels seductive. I know that doesn't make sense to most people though. Notice how I keep saying "my" depression? I feel that my depression is a part of me. It's me and it is mine. I'm afraid that if I truly go all in when it comes to treatment, that I will lose a part of me. So, guess what, even though I've been pursuing treatment for approximately 7 and a half years, I'm still hesitant to truly let go of my depression.

The other major way I relate to this podcast is the concept of "childhood melancholy." My favorite church "holiday?" Maundy Thursday. My favorite church hymn? One designated for Maundy Thursday and also often sung at funerals. I was an odd kid. I saw the sacredness of this holiday though, and I felt a strong connection to it.

I'm still VERY MUCH a work in progress. Going back to The Hilarious World of Depression - rest assured - the irony surrounding the fact that I was the salutatorian of my high school class but am on my 8th (?) year of undergraduate education is not lost on me. I actually asked one of my high school classmates if she felt I have let our high school class down - because that's how I see it - she responded no. I remember she elaborated quite eloquently on that no, but that no is something I have, and continue to hold on to.

I'm a mess, but I'm still fighting. I'm still undergoing med changes. Nearly every month. A former boyfriend joked that my part-time job is going to doctor's appointments. If you add up all the time I spend at these appointments and getting to and from them, he was right.

I'm just trying to say that I'm still trying. Even though it's really hard, I'm still trying.

I also REALLY want to help others. An acquaintance called me a day or two ago rather distraught, and I was able to at least kind of help her through that rough patch. That was an amazing feeling. Why was I able to help her? Because I've been there. I've been exactly right there. And I was able to tell her it was going to be okay. Even though it really sucked. It probably wasn't going to go the way she wanted it to, but it will still be okay.

Everything will be okay for you too.

"Everything is as it should be." - I think Yoga with Adriene

Out of the Darkness Walk, Dallas, TX October 2017

1-800-273-8255 by Logic, featuring Alessia Cara, Khalid

Seeing as it's been six months, I think it is time to share my thoughts and experience from the Out of the Darkness Walk. First of all, I really want to thank everyone who donated to my personal campaign. I was incredibly touched by each donation. Especially from the wide variety of people - some of whom I had not seen in years; the fact that y'all donated to a cause that is so personal to me is incredibly meaningful.

The main catalyst for my wanting to participate in this event was the passing of a friend this past May as a result of suicide. This flyer at the event was extremely meaningful to me:

Why is this meaningful? The friend I lost did not randomly decide to take his life. He fought. He completed treatment programs recommended to him. He was a wonderful person.

One of my favorite memories of my friend was how he came over to the apartment I was staying in when we lived near one another every time I had to submit a test for my online Intro to Psych class. He knew I had (have) pretty bad test anxiety, so he would hold my hand (more like me squeezing his hand in a sort of death grip that surprisingly did not cut off his circulation...completely) while I submitted the test online. He helped me get through those times when my anxiety was heightened. When I was beginning my academic career in psychology. I am, and forever will be, grateful for his support at that time.

This is a photo of my beautiful, wonderful friend I shared at the Out of the Darkness Walk:

The event was incredibly moving. Seeing all those people there coming together to support one another with shared experiences of incredibly difficult losses. It is difficult to try to explain to others who have not experienced something similar just how it impacts an individual's life. To be clear, I am not, in any way, mad at or resentful of my friend for how his life ended. I know he struggled a lot. For years. I only wish I could have been there more for him. I don't think I could have necessarily prevented his death, but I had not been in communication as frequently with him as I once had. That, I regret.

As a memorial to those who have passed, we were invited to participate in a ceremony type thing involving bubbles to commemorate each of those lives - almost like the whole releasing of balloons tradition.

I was very glad my mom agreed to accompany to this event. I know it would have been nearly impossible for me to get through this event alone - a bit of a metaphor for all of us needing support throughout our entire lives and the difficulty that can come when it feels like we are all alone.

Thank you again to all who have supported me and continue to support me in various ways. Hopefully, by talking about these sometimes difficult subjects and sharing education about these struggles, we can all come together to help one another and lose fewer people this way.

Blog Dump

I have a folder thing on Evernote with various notes, clippings, etc. of either things I want to write posts about or posts I began to write but never got around to fully developing for various reasons. I decided to just 'dump' all of it here, on this post. I will try to provide some context for each one but can't really even guarantee that. If you would like further explanation/elaboration on any of them, please reach out to me! I'm posting them in chronological order, beginning with the oldest.

3/21/2017

I think I had an idea for a post associated with this that was going to be something along the lines of "It's Not Just Me!":

Okay. I literally chuckled to myself when I saw this one. It's literally just an idea for a title of a potential post:

3/23/2017

"What is that purple-ish ring she is always wearing?"

And another. Same day. You're welcome.

"Yeah, I used to do Pointe, and I'm Cecchetti level 1 certified" *Z-Snap*

Ugh. I'm pretty sure I have a draft for this somewhere. All you get right now is the potential title:

"The lowest grade I've ever received on a paper"

Yep. Same day. Guess I was in brainstorming mode.

Oh, lucky you. I found the draft:

I am finally sharing the essay that earned me a failing grade at Cal. It was so difficult, so shocking, because all through high school I had been told by multiple teachers that I was a good, maybe even excellent, writer. In the eighth grade, I won first place for a district-wide UIL writing competition. During my Junior year of high school, my English teacher passed on an essay I wrote (which also just so happens to be the first post on this blog J ) to the school district’s curriculum development department. This teacher told me that the assignment I turned in was going to be used as a sort of model when developing writing curriculum in order to try to help students produce similar writing. I was extremely surprised and humbled to discover this. Did I enjoy writing? Yes. It was an outlet for me. Did I think I was some kind of genius or even an innovative writer? No. By the time I graduated high school, I had decided that I was a “proficient writer.” Then, I took Berkeley’s R1B course in the fall of 2010. It was a required class since I didn’t score a 5 on my AP English Exam (see, by no means a perfect writer). I was pleased to find that there were a number of choices when it came to the required course and decided to take a Comparative Literature course that focused on magical realism – a concept I was first introduced to during my freshman year in high school. It was an extremely interesting and enjoyable class. I earned a B on my first essay, a “diagnostic essay.” I think I was slightly disappointed with this grade but after overhearing some of my other classmates discussing that they had received similar grades felt more secure in my work. Then came what turned out to be a pretty trying essay, the comparative essay. I chose to compare the setting of Baudeliare’s “Correspondences” to the setting depicted in Shakespeare’s “A Midsummer Night’s Dream.” It appears that I no longer have the first copy of the essay. I imagine at some point I deleted it in the hope that it would erase the negative memories and feelings associated with it. If I remember correctly, my thesis in the first draft was something to the effect of “these two works of literature both take place in nature and there are similarities and differences between the two.” Yeah, not exactly revolutionary. Based on my previous English classes, simply acknowledging that two different pieces have a similar setting and then thinking to compare and contrast the two would be more than sufficient. Professor Dimova informed me this was not the case. I met with her during office hours to discuss my paper and the “disgraceful D” (I just came up with that :p) I earned with it. During the entire meeting, I unsuccessfully fought back tears. I was quite distraught. If I wasn’t a “good” writer, what was I? Was I good at anything? Had my entire education prior to Cal been a joke? Had it not prepared me for the rigors of the education at Cal? Was I doomed to fail? Professor Dimova explained that I needed to further develop my thesis and come up with some kind of argument/stance. She explained that what I had turned in was essentially a good starting point, but by no means, a finished, analytical product. I believe the essay below was my second attempt at the assignment. Reading it now, I feel it isn’t worth a whole lot either. It’s not very well developed. It doesn’t include anything particularly interesting, radical, or revolutionary. I think I earned a B/B- on it. I feel that was an overly kind grade. I have always had difficulty with organizing my thoughts in writing and especially explaining my personal thoughts/beliefs/ideas thoroughly to allow the reader to gain some kind of mutual understanding. That’s something I still struggle with. Whenever I have an essay assignment in one of my classes, I go to the student writing lab and work with a tutor in an attempt to get my thoughts/ideas into some kind of semblance that makes sense.

Erin Dion

Professor X

Comparative Literature

October 8, 2010

“Naturally Human”

            In Shakespeare’s “A Midsummer Night’s Dream” and Baudelaire’s “Correspondences” Nature is characterized as an otherworldly place that often leads humans into confusion. This setting, distinct from the “real world” and its cruel, imposing responsibilities and challenges, forces humans to face fantastical subjects and ideas they would never encounter in their “normal” daily lives. Ideas that seem bizarre in the normal world seem more logical when presented in a natural setting. The forest in “A Midsummer Night’s Dream” is a mysterious place where the characters are open to relationships they would not think of participating in while they inhabit the city. Puck’s use of the love potion on the characters results in chaos. This chaos is not necessarily negative as it reveals new ways of thinking and possibilities. The fairies in “A Midsummer Night’s Dream” act as intermediaries between Nature and humans. Baudelaire characterizes Nature in “Correspondences” as a sacred creation that man can no longer understand, resulting in man’s confusion. This is a reflection of man’s rejection of the natural world as he turns to the concept of modernity. The lack of a liaison between man and Nature in “Correspondences” only substantiates the rift between the two. In both of these pieces, Nature has an overwhelming influence on humans who are unaware of this interaction.

            In “Correspondences”, Baudelaire describes Nature as a living being. In the first stanza, Nature’s “living colonnades / Breathe forth a mystic speech in fitful sighs” (Baudelaire 1-2). The idea of Nature being alive is also present in Shakespeare’s “A Midsummer Night’s Dream” – the fairies are essentially a part of the forest. These creatures are very lively and their power to manipulate humans makes them godlike. The Nature in Baudelaire’s work is made up of many symbols, both literally and figuratively. The first stanza mentions, “Man wanders among symbols in those glades” (Baudelaire 3). Man’s inability to understand Nature causes him to see everything in symbolic form. Some of the poem’s more figurative symbols include the “dwindling echoes,” “scents and sounds and colors,” and “infinite pervasiveness” (Baudelaire 5, 8, 12). These figurative symbols mirror the symbolism man sees in Nature and initially leave the reader in a similar state of confusion. These symbols are analogous to the complex relationships in “A Midsummer Night’s Dream” because the relationships represent:  jealousy, conflict between love and reason, and rejection. These characterizations of Nature create a complex setting that houses deep, inner processes surrounding humans that they can only realize when in this setting.

            The forest in “A Midsummer Night’s Dream” is a place that civilized peoples do not visit often and the home of the fairies. This characterization of Nature makes events that would seem strange in the civilized world rational and normal. The forest is first mentioned in the play when Hermia and Lysander devise a plan to pursue their forbidden love. Hermia explains the plan to Helena:  “Before the time I did Lysander see, / Seemed Athens as a paradise to me. / O, then, what graces in my love do dwell / That he hath turned a heaven unto a hell!” (I.i.204-207). Hermia later continues, “And in the wood where often you and I / Upon faint primrose beds were wont to lie, Emptying our bosoms of their counsel sweet, / There my Lysander and myself shall meet, / And thence from Athens turn away our eyes / To seek new friends and stranger companies” (I.i.214-219). This quote reveals the important distinction between the city and the forest. In the forest, Athenian law is not applicable and Hermia and Lysander are free to practice their love. Hermia’s speech also shows that the forest has the ability to make things happen that are not possible in the city (new ways of thinking, relationships, etc.). Hermia and Lysander’s relationship represents a concept very intrinsic to humanity:  true, inescapable, love. The fact that Hermia and Lysander can only obtain this love in the forest suggests that the setting itself has a strong connection to humanity in that it is a basic form of life. The forest is also the home of the fairies. This presence of mystical beings contributes to the forest’s mystical quality but also gives humans a direct connection to Nature. This direct connection allows the characters to feel more confident about the actions and decisions they make while in the forest.

            Throughout the play, Puck, the servant to Oberon, the King of Fairies, speaks in a charm-like manner, making his speech difficult to understand. For example, rather than simply recounting the effects of the love potion on Titania, Puck chants to Oberon “My mistress with a monster is in love. / Near to her close and consecrated bower, / While she was in her dull and sleeping hour, / A crew of patches, rude mechanicals / That work for bread upon Athenian stalls, / Were met together to rehearse a play / Intended for great Theseus’ nuptial day. / The shallowest thickskin of that barren sort, / Who Pyramus presented in their sport, / Forsook his scene and entered in a brake. / When I did him at this advantage take, / An ass’s nole I fixed on his head” (III.ii.6-17). Puck’s speech is very elaborate and enchanting. His speech also rhymes, giving it a hypnotic and charm-like quality. Puck is also very mischievous and uses the love potion on Demetrius and Lysander. This results in a reversal of the relationships:  now both men fight for Helena’s love rather than Hermia’s. Puck, a creature of the forest, controls these humans’ lives, unbeknownst to them. This suggests that Nature possesses an influential power beyond human understanding.

            Baudelaire’s “Correspondences” describes man’s complex relationship with Nature. At some previous time in history, man had the ability to understand and easily interact with nature, but when industrialization occurred, resulting in a turn towards modernity, man no longer could understand or communicate with Nature. The first stanza begins with a powerful metaphor and gives human-like life to Nature:  “Nature is a temple whose living colonnades / Breathe forth a mystic speech in fitful sighs; / Man wanders among symbols in those glades / Where all things watch him with familiar eyes” (Baudelaire 1-4). The opening metaphor compares Nature to a temple, implying that Nature is sacred and should be honored in a reverent manner. This metaphor is also an oxymoron because temples are manmade creations. This could refer to the idea that God (the creator of Nature) is human-like since man was made in His image. The personification of Nature in this first stanza also refers to Nature’s power. Nature is able to act on its mystical and spiritual characteristics, and it also possesses omnipotent human qualities. The mystique surrounding Nature’s “speech” represents man’s inability to interpret Nature and its attempts to communicate with man. This lack of understanding is the effect of man’s distancing from nature and preference of mechanization of the world. It is also apparent that Nature is frustrated by man’s inability to understand its communications because it sighs fitfully. Also, man only sees symbols in Nature rather than their underlying meaning. Since Nature is constantly watching man, Nature has a much greater understanding of man than man has of Nature. The second stanza continues “Like dwindling echoes gathered far away / Into a deep and thronging unison / Huge as the night or as the light of day, / All scents and sounds and colors meet as one” (Baudelaire 5-8). These echoes represent the comprehensive communications man used to have with Nature. They are “far away” in time and space, and since they are echoes, man can hear them but not understand what they are recounting. Baudelaire then describes the environment:  “Perfumes there are as sweet as the oboe’s sound, / Green as the prairies, fresh as a child’s caress, / -- And there are others, rich, corrupt, profound” (Baudelaire 9-11). These similes compare the unknown environment of Nature to images that humans are more familiar with, and two of these similes directly compare Nature to human/manmade things. Baudelaire’s use of metaphor, personification, and similes illustrates the complicated relationship between Nature and man and Nature’s mystical qualities, which give man the possibility to communicate with his Creator.

             Shakespeare and Baudelaire’s characterization of Nature as a mystical and otherworldly setting give the authors the ability to explore unconventional and deep themes such as love, relationships, and the basis of humanity. The setting’s natural quality inundates the eccentric concepts discussed in the two works, resulting in rational thoughts. Shakespeare achieves this by using fairies to mix up the relationships in “A Midsummer Night’s Dream,” causing the characters to question their true desires. Baudelaire uses metaphor, similes, and personification to portray Nature as a sacred setting that man can no longer comprehend because of his choice to separate himself from the natural world and become engrossed with his own ability to create. The fact that man is still drawn to Nature indicates that Nature possesses some inexplicable quality that is greater than anything man could ever create. Nature, as presented in these two works, shows its power over humans and its ability to alter their lives, often without the human’s acknowledgement.   

3/23/2017 Continued

Titled: "I have nautrally bleach blonde eyebrows"

My mom thinks I look like a bunny...

She also told me my face looked like a baseball mitt when I woke her up the night after getting my braces because I was in a considerable amount of pain

Love you, Mom!!!

3/26/2017

Simply titled: "irony"

The irony of college graduates not knowing/understanding the differences between alumni, alumnus, and alumna.

3/26/2017

"My (extremely extensive) thoughts/feelings on marijuana"

I voted to legalize pot when I was in California in 2010 in the hope that tax from buying marijuana would significantly contribute to state's income, eventually leading to a decrease in tuition

3/26/2017

The 2 Bs:  Balance and Boundaries

This is what a lot of the work/therapy I've been doing the past eight *sigh of exasperation* years has been centered around.

3/26/2017

"Confusion"

I get knixwear and shethinx confused

I also mix up numbers all the time - anecdote from AP Calc AB Class wrote the answer wrong after doing all calculations correctly and coming up with correct answer but wrote wrong numbers in blank space for final answer

Saved on 4/6/2017

"4/5 Revalations"

around 10pm i ordered a dress online for easter

while in the shower about an hour later, i decided i wanted to cancel the order so that i could spend a little extra on my next trip to trader joe's #priorities

don't worry, i will definitely bring this up in my next therapy session

4/6/2017

This was an "interesting realization"

apparently when my dentist recommended an orthodontist who would be able to make new retainers for "a less expensive price," that meant FREE, compared to the quote his office provided me $750

 4/7/2017

"blog ideas"

1. Results of quiz - linguistic thinker - the emphasis I put on words and what people say - if you say you are going to do something and it relates to me, you better do it

2. The saying "life is too short so..." What is short? Some people die young, some people die old, I think the saying "life is full of surprises, so...." Is more accurate/appropriate

4/7/2017

"these are a few of my favorite things" I forgot about this after writing down the first one, so it should really be "this is one of my many favorite things"

inspired by jonathan swift's a modest proposal. if you haven't read that work, you NEED to. 

1. When a scholarship is detailed on a university's website and then you go talk to a financial aid rep about applying for the scholarship and bring the material(s) that will make you eligible for the scholarship. The person accepts the material(s) and even consults a higher up financial aid employee to make sure your material(s) are acceptable to qualify you for the scholarship. Then, about a week later you receive an email from the financial aid office stating they do not have funds to provide you the scholarship, even though you qualify.

I want to say a second one had something to do with driving on I-75. Oh!!! I remember!!!!!!! The fact that most people drive around 50mph on that highway for some reason when the speed limit is 70mph...or at least I think it is. I know it's higher than 50mph, and it always upsets me greatly when people are driving significantly under the speed limit for no apparent reason. SO THERE!

4/7/2017

"annoyance add to my favorite things list"

i have not had any assignments graded for my upper-level psychology class since 3/10. it is now officially 4/7. I submitted an assignment on 3/17 and another on 3/19. We have also had a major test about a week and a half ago

So this was titled "Size Doesn't Matter OR Size Doesn't Matter" I THINK it was supposed to be "Size Doesn't Matter OR Size Does Matter"

Size Doesn’t Matter OR Size Doesn't Matter

You know that saying, “Life’s too short to….*insert stupid/meaningless activity*” Yeah. I don’t like it. Plus, it’s not accurate. Is life really short? You don’t know. It’s different for every person.

SO….here’s my proposal:  Let’s change the saying from “Life’s too short to…” to “Life’s too full of surprises to…” This change is based on own life experiences. At the age of thirteen, I thought I had my entire life planned out, but life threw me a “little surprise” in February 2011 that changed everything.

I’m trying to say:  Life is too full of surprises to not have a huge smile on your face everyday J

4/7/2017

blog idea: pronouns, feminism, and the power of words

Women can't be a Mrs. If they keep their maiden name. Why do women have Miss, Ms., and Mrs. When men simply have Mr.? Unnecessary confusion. At what age is it appropriate to begin addressing a female as Ms. Rather than Miss? Men have the word guy, I guess the equivalent for females would be gal, but that isn't widely used and I think would be considered southern slang. Women just have girl and woman. There is a bit of hesitancy and maybe even negativity about being referred to as a woman rather than a girl, but, if anything, it's the opposite for males - they would rather be referred to as a man than a boy.

had a possibly disappointing experience today, 4/5. went to orthodontist, got lost. called office. the first female who answered the phone transferred me to another female who said something to the effect of she was thought of the person in the office w/ the best sense of directions/ability to give directions but didn't i think i had to admit that it was really necessary to have/use gps - i got the impression that she either said/indicated that this was particularly/only true for women - who i guess are thought to have a poor sense of direction

Disgust: Second Wives Club on E! 

Even that made ME laugh, so I hoped it made you laugh.