Cyclical Cycles, Fate, and Irony

This post is long overdue because the subject of this post began the day after my last post.

I made my last post stating how awesome I was doing, how this new treatment I was pursuing was working, and how hopeful I was.

Within 24 hours of posting that piece to my blog, I could feel the depression creeping back in. After talking with the receptionist of the clinic I had been going to, it was determined that I did not fit their 'standard' model of treatment and would, instead, follow their Plan B treatment. I was scheduled for another treatment that same week.

I immediately felt better for 2 reasons: 1. I felt like I was heard. My fears and concerns were not pushed aside and the symptoms I shared were valued. 2. We had a plan, and it had worked before. Even though I wasn't able to go the 'typical' length of time without a treatment, I was not being punished for my body's reactions. I was accepted back as a patient and I knew another treatment was coming. Since they had worked in the past, why wouldn't they work now? All was good.

I went through about three extra "Plan B" treatments but wasn't really improving. I actually dipped significantly in the middle of the last treatment. I called the office and asked to meet with the doctor overseeing my treatment. After some miscommunication, the receptionist and I got on the same page and squeezed me in to do a phone meeting with the doctor just before she took her holiday vacation.

I spoke to the doctor relaying my concerns that it felt like the treatment was no longer working and shared the negative toll during the most recent treatment. The provider I was seeing used a program that sent me daily texts asking me to rate my day, and they also used PHQ-9 surveys to follow patients' moods and how they relate to treatments. Almost as soon as I relayed my concerns about the treatment no longer being beneficial, the doctor agreed, based on the numbers/graphs the data had collected for her. She even said that it looked like the treatment may have become "detrimental" to me.

This was bittersweet news. More bitter than sweet. The sweet news was that I, once again, was being heard, and the actions I felt needed to be taken were made (i.e., stopping treatment). The far more bitter part is that I am kind of back at square one. We were all really hopeful that this treatment was going to work and provide a more stable life for me, and it did, for about three weeks, which I'm incredibly grateful for. Those were the best three or so weeks I can remember having in a very long time.

Now, I'm working with my regular psychiatrist to try to come up with a new medication cocktail. According to the doctor who oversaw the treatment I received, my neurons would be "bushier" as a result of the treatment so I would be more receptive than normal to antidepressant medication.

My psychiatrist and I are still working to come up with the 'right' medication cocktail. Basically, the problem is the medications that do work, I'm incredibly sensitive to and their side effects become overwhelming and even life-disrupting. My body is like Yes! We'll respond to this one, but we're also going to respond to every other possible thing it can effect.

This entire process is and has been, frustrating and so incredibly draining. I decided to only take one online class this Spring Semester to increase the chances of me being successful with it. After having to take a medical withdrawal last semester, I just want to get something under my belt so I can slowly rebuild my self-confidence when it comes to taking classes.

There are still good things. All is not terrible. It's just different and not what was hoped for or even expected. I think the biggest change I felt when I was doing well on the new treatment was a sense of peace. There were no constant nagging thoughts from my depression that truly require a battle to fight. No wonder I, and so many other people with depression, are so tired all the time. Constantly telling yourself "no, that's not right" or "no, it won't always be like this" or "no it's not that bad" is EXHAUSTING.

So, I'm not in a great place right now, but I'm also not hopeless. I'm looking into some other programs and treatments that are more holistic. I'm slowly entering a new community of supportive people. The flame of hope is still there, flickering, rather than burning brightly for the whole world to see.

To Balance Out My Last Post

Song for this post

After receiving quite a bit of love, concern, and support from many friends and loved ones, I realized I should probably balance out my last, rather pessimistic, post with a more optimistic one.

Optimism does not come naturally to me. In the third grade 'optimist' was one of my spelling words. I asked my dad what it meant. He replied, "Someone who does not have all the facts." I nodded sagely (I imagine) and repeated the definition (I'm sure to my teacher's horror/confusion) the next day in school.

For me, pessimism comes naturally. It's the result of the combination of my anxiety and depression. It generally leads to less disappointment, after all, if you aren't optimistic about a certain situation, what is there to be disappointed about? This mindset has led to me building walls around myself, but it has also prevented me from seeing and feeling the good in life. It has fed my depression, so to speak.

Now to the good, happy part. The treatment I just finished SEEMS TO BE WORKING!!! My depression is almost, essentially gone *knocks on wood* as well as my anxiety. I still feel both, but they are more of a fleeting feeling rather than a life ruling, life-sucking, handicap.

Nearly at some point during every single day, I can step back from what is going on, take an internal inventory, and, with a smile, say to myself "I feel good." Yes, this has led to some rather embarrassing dancing to James Brown's song, but it is fun.

I have not felt this good, this consistently, since receiving my diagnoses at Berkeley seven and a half years ago.

Unfortunately, the treatment I am pursuing is not a cure so I will have to go in for booster treatments approximately once a month, but that is a very small price to pay to feel SO much better.

The real test will come when I take a class again next semester to see how I cope with the stresses I have become so accustomed to when it comes to school but, dare I say, I am optimistic because even during this downtime since taking the medical withdrawal, I have CHOSEN to do at least a little something every single day. Gone are the days spent in bed either wallowing in my sadness or when I am too handicapped by my depression/anxiety to even drag myself out of bed.

I think it's safe to say I am cautiously optimistic for the future, and that is with knowing ALL the facts 😉

Thank you to everyone for all the love, support, and reassurances after my last post and for inspiring me to write this one 💗

ANOTHER Medical Withdrawal

Song to accompany this post

Originally written in early-mid November:

My depression and anxiety have become significantly worse over the past few months (essentially since the fall semester started), and, in early October, my request for a non-academic withdrawal from UTD for the semester was approved.

At first, I thought the symptoms I was experiencing were simply a result of beginning a new semester. I've never been good with change and thought I was just having trouble adjusting to my new 'class' (really an internship for which I received school credit) for the semester. Unfortunately, those symptoms remained and only got worse.

I saw my psychiatrist and he finally told me I needed to take the non-academic/medical withdrawal, twice. He could see how much I did not want to take that action, but he made it very clear that this was not up for discussion and that he would do everything in his power to make it a reality (not in a threatening manner - just looking out for my best interests). After that session with my psychiatrist, I pretty quickly accepted the need for a withdrawal and was overwhelmed with relief. I began the process of getting all the documentation together to request a non-academic withdrawal and sent all of the 'evidence' proving the necessity for such a withdrawal within a couple of days.

Although I experienced relief, I also experienced significant disappointment. It feels like I have taken countless medical/non-academic withdrawals from the various schools I have attended (at least one for every school), and I was hoping my career at UTD would be different, untainted by such a withdrawal.

The need for this withdrawal was also more difficult because as of the end of the Summer 2018 semester, I was, and am, finally a college senior. This probably seems like a very small accomplishment as I was supposed to be a college senior by the Fall 2013 semester, but for me, it is huge. I have experienced such a significant setback and various challenges with my college career since my mental health diagnoses because I have only been able to take 1-2 classes/semester because my anxiety, and, thus, perfectionism has become overwhelming.

Once I received the news that I was officially a college senior at UTD, I quickly planned out a possible future schedule for each semester and determined that it was (possibly) feasible to graduate in Spring 2020. I was excited and hopeful. I felt that I could see a light at the end of the tunnel, so to speak, and the withdrawal from this Fall semester only sets me back from that plan and of finally accomplishing the fulfillment of all requirements for a Bachelor's Degree.

I can make up for the withdrawal from this semester by taking a class or two over the summer, but I also do not want to feel such an obligation. I would like to actually have a summer or two off to actually take a vacation if I feel up to doing so (that's a whole 'nother post).

I know this post is extremely pessimistic, but I do have hope as I recently began a new treatment. I do not want to elaborate on that at this point but plan to do so in the near future once I'm farther along with the treatment and am in a relatively stable place.

Although this semester has not gone as planned, I do still have hope. It is difficult for me to accept this unexpected setback and the loss of the amazing project I was working on with my internship, but if my mental illness diagnoses have taught me anything it is that those diagnoses will come out to get me at the most unexpected and unwelcome times. The silver lining, though, is that I am able to seek out this new treatment, especially since the holidays are nearing, and I have hope that I will be able to actually participate in all the various holiday celebrations and enjoy them. Thank you all for your support and love in all of its various forms. I'm still fighting and do see at least the potential for hope and light in my future.

Update: Thanskgiving went well with my family and I was able to participate (fully) in nearly all activities 😀

Pittsburgh Synagogue Shooting

Written 11/1/18:

I began writing this Sunday, October 28, 2018. It’s taken me time to write and edit it because I really feel like I have to get it right, but, now I’m realizing/thinking it’s more important to simply get my thoughts out rather than trying to make it perfect.

Since my official depression diagnosis, I have built walls up around me to protect me from horrible things that do not directly affect me. Horrible things happen every day, and if I let each of them affect me, I would never leave my bedroom – both from a fearful and saddened/depressed state. Well, Saturday’s shooting really got to me after finally watching news coverage the day after the horrible event. I just started sobbing. I am so sad that this is where our country is at this time. I am so sad for my friends who are Jewish to have members of their faith killed, solely because they were practicing their faith. It’s scary, and it’s not okay.

Written Sunday:

I know this happened yesterday, but it's just now really starting to hit me. I heard about it yesterday but only just now saw any visuals from it on the news. What really got to me was the candle light vigil service held last night. I also became upset after hearing that the church I grew up in used to have a police officer outside the church at services in recent years and now an armed individual is at services in an officer's place. I feel like this taints the service and leads to a loss of innocence within the children who attend the services. Nothing like that ever took place when I attended the church. It wasn't even a consideration. I am so sad that this is reality, and I truly hope something significant, yet reasonable, changes so we have a new, better, different, more optimistic reality in which to live.

Written: 11/1/18

After grieving for those who senselessly lost their lives, I pulled myself out of my rut and went to a local candidate’s office. The candidate is handing out hand-written postcards to encourage last minute voters to exercise their important right. I took home a package of 100 postcards and started writing messages to encourage registered voters to exercise their right to vote. I took my grief and am doing the little I can to try to enact change. Thoughts and prayers will be given, but, I think, we need more than that, and I hope the little more I am doing will have an effect.

Music Connects Us All

Music Connects Us All

            During my really only semester at Cal, I had a group project in the English class I took. Generally, I loathe group projects because I end up doing the vast majority of the work, but that was not the case because, essentially, all my group members were just as hard workers as me! It was awesome! Plus, our topic was Jorge Luis Borges, so it was truly a fun project!

            Since I was 18 and it was 2010, I became Facebook friends with at least two of my group members. One day, I think after the project, it was about 8 PM in my time zone, one of the group members messaged me on Facebook asking me to please vote for her boyfriend’s band in a local (Bay Area) radio contest. Normally, I would ignore such a request, but, seeing as I was working on some class assignment and this was an opportunity to procrastinate, I dove in. I took the time to listen to the music, and to my delight the band was really good! At this time, the band, Finish Ticket, was still ‘a high school band’ – they were formed sometime during their high school career, and their album, Shake A Symphony has more of a ‘teen angst’ feel than their more recent works. However, I thought they were just fantastic!

            Some of my particular favorites from this first album are: Miss Woe, I'm Glad (trigger warning) and Her Way Out. I never got to see Finish Ticket perform in the Bay Area, but they came to Dallas in 2012(?) as the opener for a relatively unknown band, and a dear friend went with me to the bar in Deep Ellum where they played. I was absolutely disgusted to find that about eight young girls were there who seemed to be Finish Ticket’s biggest fans. I kept muttering under my breath “This isn’t a One Direction Concert.” I then penned an email to my friend back at Cal letting her know what had happened at this concert and that, although her boyfriend was nothing but a gentleman, there were gross, underage girls fawning all over him (he’s the lead singer). She sent back a nice response taking it all in good stride and saying it was a sign that they were starting to make their big break.

            She was correct. Finish Ticket’s next album, Tears You Apart, led to them signing with a record label. Some of my favorite songs from this album include: Bring the Rain and Tranquilize. After signing with Elektra Records, Finish Ticket released When Night Becomes Day. Some of my favorites from this most recent release include: Wrong, their hit single: Color, and, my all-time favorite, and a departure from their regular repertoire, the acoustic Never Alone.

            So, why am I touting the greatness that is Finish Ticket? This band, and their music, have followed me from Cal and provided a frequent support and outlet. I have played Never Alone so many times when I have been upset or distraught that I should be paying the band the cost of a therapy session…..or eight. The other songs are, I feel, not only a reflection of Finish Ticket’s journey to find their voices and “groove,” but, also my own identity and sense of place in the world.

P.S. The best live song, by far, is Bring the Rain.

P.P.S. Let me know if you also like Finish Ticket after, hopefully, clicking a few of the links provided!

P.P.P.S. If you want to help make my dream come true, tweet @FinishTicket and tell them to let me, @dionerin accompany them on cello for Never Alone the next time they tour 😉

Anxiety: A Beast that Refuses to be Tamed

What I feel is a very appropriate song: Flight of the Bumblebee

I literally can't even listen to that right now - as much as I appreciate it.

Anxiety has been an issue for me for as long as I can remember. In third grade, I was unable to take the statewide standardized test because I became physically ill in anticipation of the test, even though I scored some ridiculously high score on the practice test. I even remember thinking that it was incredibly easy. One of the first questions on the practice test was a simple addition problem with a picture diagram. You literally just had to count the total number of candy sticks or whatever the item was. Still, the day of the exam was just too much for me and my body to handle.

Over the years, my anxiety has become worse.

After my initial diagnosis of depression, I was pretty quickly also diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder and was put on medication.

The first medication was effective, but I required such a high dose just to function on a daily basis that it became unsafe so my medication was switched.

I've been on this second medication for years now. I've asked my psychiatrist about lowering or even altogether stopping the medication. He kind of chuckled and said we could work on lowering the dosage but he did not want to see me completely without any kind of anxiety medication. I think that paints a pretty good picture.

About 2 months ago, I had my worst and most different, anxiety/panic attack to date. It just so happened to coincide with a medication change. I began to have significant trouble breathing to the point I thought I was having an allergic reaction to the new medication. It got bad enough that I thought I was experiencing anaphylactic shock. After calling my parents (with great difficulty), because they live nearby, I called 911. With significant effort, I gave the operator my address. As soon as the paramedics arrived, I was magically fine. A little shaken up, but significantly better. I was embarrassed for having called them. They determined it was an anxiety attack and that I was really fine.

Unfortunately, as soon as they left, my symptoms returned. One of my parents came and got me (a benefit to living close to them). At this point, because I was un/subconsciously preventing myself from breathing, my body began to essentially involuntarily snort in order to allow at least some air to enter my body. It was super fun (NOT!).

This is just another reason this whole depression thing is so difficult for me to treat - it's always evolving in some way or another. I've had anxiety attacks before, but they had never presented in this way.

A few years ago, a therapist figured out that each of my depressive episodes is preceded by a period of high anxiety. She was and still is, correct.

I'm going to attempt to make some kind of diagram to explain this and/or steal one I found on Pinterest that I really like:

Begin to feel stressed (rumination, ridiculously fast thought patterns that even I can't keep up with or make sense of, etc.) --> Anxiety --> Debilitating physical symptoms in some form or another --> Feeling like (and to a degree knowing) that I am unable to do/accomplish everything I am thinking about --> Some degree of paralysis --> Depression because I feel useless/unable to accomplish anything --> Things like me spending an excessive amount of time in bed and only doing the bare minimum, if that --> Anxiety because I'm not doing what I need/want to do

AND THE CYCLE BEGINS AGAIN!

Okay, so I didn't make a super cool circular diagram with text boxes and pretty arrows like I initially intended, but I knew to attempt to do so, at least right now, would only frustrate me because it wouldn't be *perfect.* (In case we haven't met, I'm a perfectionist.)

I really like this 'pin' on Pinterest

This is the pin I was really looking for

Thoughts? Questions? Do you relate to any of this? Comment below!!!

Random, Late-Night Musings & The Hilarious World of Depression

I highly recommend the podcast The Hilarious World of Depression to anyone who wants to understand depression better or for anyone who is diagnosed with clinical depression and is curious to hear others' experiences with the disorder.

I just listened to this podcast, and it is, by far, the podcast I have related to most  (explicit language warning): https://www.apmpodcasts.org/thwod/2017/01/andy-richter-on-youthful-melancholy-and-twisted-entertainers/

Why/how do I relate to this podcast in particular? I, too, feel a strong pull to my depression. I've told a therapist that my depression feels seductive. I know that doesn't make sense to most people though. Notice how I keep saying "my" depression? I feel that my depression is a part of me. It's me and it is mine. I'm afraid that if I truly go all in when it comes to treatment, that I will lose a part of me. So, guess what, even though I've been pursuing treatment for approximately 7 and a half years, I'm still hesitant to truly let go of my depression.

The other major way I relate to this podcast is the concept of "childhood melancholy." My favorite church "holiday?" Maundy Thursday. My favorite church hymn? One designated for Maundy Thursday and also often sung at funerals. I was an odd kid. I saw the sacredness of this holiday though, and I felt a strong connection to it.

I'm still VERY MUCH a work in progress. Going back to The Hilarious World of Depression - rest assured - the irony surrounding the fact that I was the salutatorian of my high school class but am on my 8th (?) year of undergraduate education is not lost on me. I actually asked one of my high school classmates if she felt I have let our high school class down - because that's how I see it - she responded no. I remember she elaborated quite eloquently on that no, but that no is something I have, and continue to hold on to.

I'm a mess, but I'm still fighting. I'm still undergoing med changes. Nearly every month. A former boyfriend joked that my part-time job is going to doctor's appointments. If you add up all the time I spend at these appointments and getting to and from them, he was right.

I'm just trying to say that I'm still trying. Even though it's really hard, I'm still trying.

I also REALLY want to help others. An acquaintance called me a day or two ago rather distraught, and I was able to at least kind of help her through that rough patch. That was an amazing feeling. Why was I able to help her? Because I've been there. I've been exactly right there. And I was able to tell her it was going to be okay. Even though it really sucked. It probably wasn't going to go the way she wanted it to, but it will still be okay.

Everything will be okay for you too.

"Everything is as it should be." - I think Yoga with Adriene