Anxiety: A Beast that Refuses to be Tamed

What I feel is a very appropriate song: Flight of the Bumblebee

I literally can't even listen to that right now - as much as I appreciate it.

Anxiety has been an issue for me for as long as I can remember. In third grade, I was unable to take the statewide standardized test because I became physically ill in anticipation of the test, even though I scored some ridiculously high score on the practice test. I even remember thinking that it was incredibly easy. One of the first questions on the practice test was a simple addition problem with a picture diagram. You literally just had to count the total number of candy sticks or whatever the item was. Still, the day of the exam was just too much for me and my body to handle.

Over the years, my anxiety has become worse.

After my initial diagnosis of depression, I was pretty quickly also diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder and was put on medication.

The first medication was effective, but I required such a high dose just to function on a daily basis that it became unsafe so my medication was switched.

I've been on this second medication for years now. I've asked my psychiatrist about lowering or even altogether stopping the medication. He kind of chuckled and said we could work on lowering the dosage but he did not want to see me completely without any kind of anxiety medication. I think that paints a pretty good picture.

About 2 months ago, I had my worst and most different, anxiety/panic attack to date. It just so happened to coincide with a medication change. I began to have significant trouble breathing to the point I thought I was having an allergic reaction to the new medication. It got bad enough that I thought I was experiencing anaphylactic shock. After calling my parents (with great difficulty), because they live nearby, I called 911. With significant effort, I gave the operator my address. As soon as the paramedics arrived, I was magically fine. A little shaken up, but significantly better. I was embarrassed for having called them. They determined it was an anxiety attack and that I was really fine.

Unfortunately, as soon as they left, my symptoms returned. One of my parents came and got me (a benefit to living close to them). At this point, because I was un/subconsciously preventing myself from breathing, my body began to essentially involuntarily snort in order to allow at least some air to enter my body. It was super fun (NOT!).

This is just another reason this whole depression thing is so difficult for me to treat - it's always evolving in some way or another. I've had anxiety attacks before, but they had never presented in this way.

A few years ago, a therapist figured out that each of my depressive episodes is preceded by a period of high anxiety. She was and still is, correct.

I'm going to attempt to make some kind of diagram to explain this and/or steal one I found on Pinterest that I really like:

Begin to feel stressed (rumination, ridiculously fast thought patterns that even I can't keep up with or make sense of, etc.) --> Anxiety --> Debilitating physical symptoms in some form or another --> Feeling like (and to a degree knowing) that I am unable to do/accomplish everything I am thinking about --> Some degree of paralysis --> Depression because I feel useless/unable to accomplish anything --> Things like me spending an excessive amount of time in bed and only doing the bare minimum, if that --> Anxiety because I'm not doing what I need/want to do

AND THE CYCLE BEGINS AGAIN!

Okay, so I didn't make a super cool circular diagram with text boxes and pretty arrows like I initially intended, but I knew to attempt to do so, at least right now, would only frustrate me because it wouldn't be *perfect.* (In case we haven't met, I'm a perfectionist.)

I really like this 'pin' on Pinterest

This is the pin I was really looking for

Thoughts? Questions? Do you relate to any of this? Comment below!!!

Random, Late-Night Musings & The Hilarious World of Depression

I highly recommend the podcast The Hilarious World of Depression to anyone who wants to understand depression better or for anyone who is diagnosed with clinical depression and is curious to hear others' experiences with the disorder.

I just listened to this podcast, and it is, by far, the podcast I have related to most  (explicit language warning): https://www.apmpodcasts.org/thwod/2017/01/andy-richter-on-youthful-melancholy-and-twisted-entertainers/

Why/how do I relate to this podcast in particular? I, too, feel a strong pull to my depression. I've told a therapist that my depression feels seductive. I know that doesn't make sense to most people though. Notice how I keep saying "my" depression? I feel that my depression is a part of me. It's me and it is mine. I'm afraid that if I truly go all in when it comes to treatment, that I will lose a part of me. So, guess what, even though I've been pursuing treatment for approximately 7 and a half years, I'm still hesitant to truly let go of my depression.

The other major way I relate to this podcast is the concept of "childhood melancholy." My favorite church "holiday?" Maundy Thursday. My favorite church hymn? One designated for Maundy Thursday and also often sung at funerals. I was an odd kid. I saw the sacredness of this holiday though, and I felt a strong connection to it.

I'm still VERY MUCH a work in progress. Going back to The Hilarious World of Depression - rest assured - the irony surrounding the fact that I was the salutatorian of my high school class but am on my 8th (?) year of undergraduate education is not lost on me. I actually asked one of my high school classmates if she felt I have let our high school class down - because that's how I see it - she responded no. I remember she elaborated quite eloquently on that no, but that no is something I have, and continue to hold on to.

I'm a mess, but I'm still fighting. I'm still undergoing med changes. Nearly every month. A former boyfriend joked that my part-time job is going to doctor's appointments. If you add up all the time I spend at these appointments and getting to and from them, he was right.

I'm just trying to say that I'm still trying. Even though it's really hard, I'm still trying.

I also REALLY want to help others. An acquaintance called me a day or two ago rather distraught, and I was able to at least kind of help her through that rough patch. That was an amazing feeling. Why was I able to help her? Because I've been there. I've been exactly right there. And I was able to tell her it was going to be okay. Even though it really sucked. It probably wasn't going to go the way she wanted it to, but it will still be okay.

Everything will be okay for you too.

"Everything is as it should be." - I think Yoga with Adriene