I highly recommend the podcast The Hilarious World of Depression to anyone who wants to understand depression better or for anyone who is diagnosed with clinical depression and is curious to hear others' experiences with the disorder.
I just listened to this podcast, and it is, by far, the podcast I have related to most (explicit language warning): https://www.apmpodcasts.org/thwod/2017/01/andy-richter-on-youthful-melancholy-and-twisted-entertainers/
Why/how do I relate to this podcast in particular? I, too, feel a strong pull to my depression. I've told a therapist that my depression feels seductive. I know that doesn't make sense to most people though. Notice how I keep saying "my" depression? I feel that my depression is a part of me. It's me and it is mine. I'm afraid that if I truly go all in when it comes to treatment, that I will lose a part of me. So, guess what, even though I've been pursuing treatment for approximately 7 and a half years, I'm still hesitant to truly let go of my depression.
The other major way I relate to this podcast is the concept of "childhood melancholy." My favorite church "holiday?" Maundy Thursday. My favorite church hymn? One designated for Maundy Thursday and also often sung at funerals. I was an odd kid. I saw the sacredness of this holiday though, and I felt a strong connection to it.
I'm still VERY MUCH a work in progress. Going back to The Hilarious World of Depression - rest assured - the irony surrounding the fact that I was the salutatorian of my high school class but am on my 8th (?) year of undergraduate education is not lost on me. I actually asked one of my high school classmates if she felt I have let our high school class down - because that's how I see it - she responded no. I remember she elaborated quite eloquently on that no, but that no is something I have, and continue to hold on to.
I'm a mess, but I'm still fighting. I'm still undergoing med changes. Nearly every month. A former boyfriend joked that my part-time job is going to doctor's appointments. If you add up all the time I spend at these appointments and getting to and from them, he was right.
I'm just trying to say that I'm still trying. Even though it's really hard, I'm still trying.
I also REALLY want to help others. An acquaintance called me a day or two ago rather distraught, and I was able to at least kind of help her through that rough patch. That was an amazing feeling. Why was I able to help her? Because I've been there. I've been exactly right there. And I was able to tell her it was going to be okay. Even though it really sucked. It probably wasn't going to go the way she wanted it to, but it will still be okay.
Everything will be okay for you too.
"Everything is as it should be." - I think Yoga with Adriene