Song for this post
After receiving quite a bit of love, concern, and support from many friends and loved ones, I realized I should probably balance out my last, rather pessimistic, post with a more optimistic one.
Optimism does not come naturally to me. In the third grade 'optimist' was one of my spelling words. I asked my dad what it meant. He replied, "Someone who does not have all the facts." I nodded sagely (I imagine) and repeated the definition (I'm sure to my teacher's horror/confusion) the next day in school.
For me, pessimism comes naturally. It's the result of the combination of my anxiety and depression. It generally leads to less disappointment, after all, if you aren't optimistic about a certain situation, what is there to be disappointed about? This mindset has led to me building walls around myself, but it has also prevented me from seeing and feeling the good in life. It has fed my depression, so to speak.
Now to the good, happy part. The treatment I just finished SEEMS TO BE WORKING!!! My depression is almost, essentially gone *knocks on wood* as well as my anxiety. I still feel both, but they are more of a fleeting feeling rather than a life ruling, life-sucking, handicap.
Nearly at some point during every single day, I can step back from what is going on, take an internal inventory, and, with a smile, say to myself "I feel good." Yes, this has led to some rather embarrassing dancing to James Brown's song, but it is fun.
I have not felt this good, this consistently, since receiving my diagnoses at Berkeley seven and a half years ago.
Unfortunately, the treatment I am pursuing is not a cure so I will have to go in for booster treatments approximately once a month, but that is a very small price to pay to feel SO much better.
The real test will come when I take a class again next semester to see how I cope with the stresses I have become so accustomed to when it comes to school but, dare I say, I am optimistic because even during this downtime since taking the medical withdrawal, I have CHOSEN to do at least a little something every single day. Gone are the days spent in bed either wallowing in my sadness or when I am too handicapped by my depression/anxiety to even drag myself out of bed.
I think it's safe to say I am cautiously optimistic for the future, and that is with knowing ALL the facts 😉
Thank you to everyone for all the love, support, and reassurances after my last post and for inspiring me to write this one 💗
Tuesday, November 27, 2018
Sunday, November 25, 2018
ANOTHER Medical Withdrawal
Song to accompany this post
Originally written in early-mid November:
My depression and anxiety have become significantly worse over the past few months (essentially since the fall semester started), and, in early October, my request for a non-academic withdrawal from UTD for the semester was approved.
At first, I thought the symptoms I was experiencing were simply a result of beginning a new semester. I've never been good with change and thought I was just having trouble adjusting to my new 'class' (really an internship for which I received school credit) for the semester. Unfortunately, those symptoms remained and only got worse.
I saw my psychiatrist and he finally told me I needed to take the non-academic/medical withdrawal, twice. He could see how much I did not want to take that action, but he made it very clear that this was not up for discussion and that he would do everything in his power to make it a reality (not in a threatening manner - just looking out for my best interests). After that session with my psychiatrist, I pretty quickly accepted the need for a withdrawal and was overwhelmed with relief. I began the process of getting all the documentation together to request a non-academic withdrawal and sent all of the 'evidence' proving the necessity for such a withdrawal within a couple of days.
Although I experienced relief, I also experienced significant disappointment. It feels like I have taken countless medical/non-academic withdrawals from the various schools I have attended (at least one for every school), and I was hoping my career at UTD would be different, untainted by such a withdrawal.
The need for this withdrawal was also more difficult because as of the end of the Summer 2018 semester, I was, and am, finally a college senior. This probably seems like a very small accomplishment as I was supposed to be a college senior by the Fall 2013 semester, but for me, it is huge. I have experienced such a significant setback and various challenges with my college career since my mental health diagnoses because I have only been able to take 1-2 classes/semester because my anxiety, and, thus, perfectionism has become overwhelming.
Once I received the news that I was officially a college senior at UTD, I quickly planned out a possible future schedule for each semester and determined that it was (possibly) feasible to graduate in Spring 2020. I was excited and hopeful. I felt that I could see a light at the end of the tunnel, so to speak, and the withdrawal from this Fall semester only sets me back from that plan and of finally accomplishing the fulfillment of all requirements for a Bachelor's Degree.
I can make up for the withdrawal from this semester by taking a class or two over the summer, but I also do not want to feel such an obligation. I would like to actually have a summer or two off to actually take a vacation if I feel up to doing so (that's a whole 'nother post).
I know this post is extremely pessimistic, but I do have hope as I recently began a new treatment. I do not want to elaborate on that at this point but plan to do so in the near future once I'm farther along with the treatment and am in a relatively stable place.
Although this semester has not gone as planned, I do still have hope. It is difficult for me to accept this unexpected setback and the loss of the amazing project I was working on with my internship, but if my mental illness diagnoses have taught me anything it is that those diagnoses will come out to get me at the most unexpected and unwelcome times. The silver lining, though, is that I am able to seek out this new treatment, especially since the holidays are nearing, and I have hope that I will be able to actually participate in all the various holiday celebrations and enjoy them. Thank you all for your support and love in all of its various forms. I'm still fighting and do see at least the potential for hope and light in my future.
Update: Thanskgiving went well with my family and I was able to participate (fully) in nearly all activities 😀
Originally written in early-mid November:
My depression and anxiety have become significantly worse over the past few months (essentially since the fall semester started), and, in early October, my request for a non-academic withdrawal from UTD for the semester was approved.
At first, I thought the symptoms I was experiencing were simply a result of beginning a new semester. I've never been good with change and thought I was just having trouble adjusting to my new 'class' (really an internship for which I received school credit) for the semester. Unfortunately, those symptoms remained and only got worse.
I saw my psychiatrist and he finally told me I needed to take the non-academic/medical withdrawal, twice. He could see how much I did not want to take that action, but he made it very clear that this was not up for discussion and that he would do everything in his power to make it a reality (not in a threatening manner - just looking out for my best interests). After that session with my psychiatrist, I pretty quickly accepted the need for a withdrawal and was overwhelmed with relief. I began the process of getting all the documentation together to request a non-academic withdrawal and sent all of the 'evidence' proving the necessity for such a withdrawal within a couple of days.
Although I experienced relief, I also experienced significant disappointment. It feels like I have taken countless medical/non-academic withdrawals from the various schools I have attended (at least one for every school), and I was hoping my career at UTD would be different, untainted by such a withdrawal.
The need for this withdrawal was also more difficult because as of the end of the Summer 2018 semester, I was, and am, finally a college senior. This probably seems like a very small accomplishment as I was supposed to be a college senior by the Fall 2013 semester, but for me, it is huge. I have experienced such a significant setback and various challenges with my college career since my mental health diagnoses because I have only been able to take 1-2 classes/semester because my anxiety, and, thus, perfectionism has become overwhelming.
Once I received the news that I was officially a college senior at UTD, I quickly planned out a possible future schedule for each semester and determined that it was (possibly) feasible to graduate in Spring 2020. I was excited and hopeful. I felt that I could see a light at the end of the tunnel, so to speak, and the withdrawal from this Fall semester only sets me back from that plan and of finally accomplishing the fulfillment of all requirements for a Bachelor's Degree.
I can make up for the withdrawal from this semester by taking a class or two over the summer, but I also do not want to feel such an obligation. I would like to actually have a summer or two off to actually take a vacation if I feel up to doing so (that's a whole 'nother post).
I know this post is extremely pessimistic, but I do have hope as I recently began a new treatment. I do not want to elaborate on that at this point but plan to do so in the near future once I'm farther along with the treatment and am in a relatively stable place.
Although this semester has not gone as planned, I do still have hope. It is difficult for me to accept this unexpected setback and the loss of the amazing project I was working on with my internship, but if my mental illness diagnoses have taught me anything it is that those diagnoses will come out to get me at the most unexpected and unwelcome times. The silver lining, though, is that I am able to seek out this new treatment, especially since the holidays are nearing, and I have hope that I will be able to actually participate in all the various holiday celebrations and enjoy them. Thank you all for your support and love in all of its various forms. I'm still fighting and do see at least the potential for hope and light in my future.
Update: Thanskgiving went well with my family and I was able to participate (fully) in nearly all activities 😀
Thursday, November 1, 2018
Pittsburgh Synagogue Shooting
Written 11/1/18:
I began writing this Sunday, October 28, 2018. It’s taken me time to write and edit it because I really feel like I have to get it right, but, now I’m realizing/thinking it’s more important to simply get my thoughts out rather than trying to make it perfect.
Since my official depression diagnosis, I have built walls up around me to protect me from horrible things that do not directly affect me. Horrible things happen every day, and if I let each of them affect me, I would never leave my bedroom – both from a fearful and saddened/depressed state. Well, Saturday’s shooting really got to me after finally watching news coverage the day after the horrible event. I just started sobbing. I am so sad that this is where our country is at this time. I am so sad for my friends who are Jewish to have members of their faith killed, solely because they were practicing their faith. It’s scary, and it’s not okay.
Written Sunday:
I know this happened yesterday, but it's just now really starting to hit me. I heard about it yesterday but only just now saw any visuals from it on the news. What really got to me was the candle light vigil service held last night. I also became upset after hearing that the church I grew up in used to have a police officer outside the church at services in recent years and now an armed individual is at services in an officer's place. I feel like this taints the service and leads to a loss of innocence within the children who attend the services. Nothing like that ever took place when I attended the church. It wasn't even a consideration. I am so sad that this is reality, and I truly hope something significant, yet reasonable, changes so we have a new, better, different, more optimistic reality in which to live.
Written: 11/1/18
After grieving for those who senselessly lost their lives, I pulled myself out of my rut and went to a local candidate’s office. The candidate is handing out hand-written postcards to encourage last minute voters to exercise their important right. I took home a package of 100 postcards and started writing messages to encourage registered voters to exercise their right to vote. I took my grief and am doing the little I can to try to enact change. Thoughts and prayers will be given, but, I think, we need more than that, and I hope the little more I am doing will have an effect.
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