Tuesday, November 27, 2018

To Balance Out My Last Post

Song for this post

After receiving quite a bit of love, concern, and support from many friends and loved ones, I realized I should probably balance out my last, rather pessimistic, post with a more optimistic one.

Optimism does not come naturally to me. In the third grade 'optimist' was one of my spelling words. I asked my dad what it meant. He replied, "Someone who does not have all the facts." I nodded sagely (I imagine) and repeated the definition (I'm sure to my teacher's horror/confusion) the next day in school.

For me, pessimism comes naturally. It's the result of the combination of my anxiety and depression. It generally leads to less disappointment, after all, if you aren't optimistic about a certain situation, what is there to be disappointed about? This mindset has led to me building walls around myself, but it has also prevented me from seeing and feeling the good in life. It has fed my depression, so to speak.

Now to the good, happy part. The treatment I just finished SEEMS TO BE WORKING!!! My depression is almost, essentially gone *knocks on wood* as well as my anxiety. I still feel both, but they are more of a fleeting feeling rather than a life ruling, life-sucking, handicap.

Nearly at some point during every single day, I can step back from what is going on, take an internal inventory, and, with a smile, say to myself "I feel good." Yes, this has led to some rather embarrassing dancing to James Brown's song, but it is fun.

I have not felt this good, this consistently, since receiving my diagnoses at Berkeley seven and a half years ago.

Unfortunately, the treatment I am pursuing is not a cure so I will have to go in for booster treatments approximately once a month, but that is a very small price to pay to feel SO much better.

The real test will come when I take a class again next semester to see how I cope with the stresses I have become so accustomed to when it comes to school but, dare I say, I am optimistic because even during this downtime since taking the medical withdrawal, I have CHOSEN to do at least a little something every single day. Gone are the days spent in bed either wallowing in my sadness or when I am too handicapped by my depression/anxiety to even drag myself out of bed.

I think it's safe to say I am cautiously optimistic for the future, and that is with knowing ALL the facts 😉

Thank you to everyone for all the love, support, and reassurances after my last post and for inspiring me to write this one 💗

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