May is Mental Health Awareness Month

....as well as many other causes' awareness month, but, since this is my blog, I am choosing to highlight May as Mental Health Awareness month.

I thought I would share a couple of ways you could either learn more about Mental Health or support the cause:

1. If you have not heard of The Bloggess aka Jenny Lawson, I highly recommend you look into her work. Of course, there is her blog. I also highly recommend her book Furiously Happy; I recommend this book because it discusses and explains mental illness with humor. So often we see commercials for antidepressants with a cloud hanging over the protagonist and the ridiculous number of side effects, but it is nice to take a different perspective on it - one with laughter. I even have a notebook with "We're All Mad Here" - a quote from Alice in Wonderland - that I bring to almost all of my psychiatrist appointments. When my psychiatrist first noticed it, he kind of raised one eyebrow at me and I responded with "What? I should at least have some fun with all of this." He laughed and nodded his agreement. Anyways, Jenny Lawson's book is also great for anyone who is trying to better understand mental illness, specifically anxiety and depression. One of my favorite analogies from this book has to do with spoons. The idea is that each day you are given a certain number of spoons for that day; the spoons represent strength, resiliency, etc. When you are afflicted with a mental illness you have fewer spoons, and you wake up each morning with the same number of spoons you went to sleep with. I shared this analogy with those close to me to explain why I didn't necessarily feel better after 'a good night's rest.' Sleep does not necessarily help to combat mental illnesses. It may be easier to fight a mental illness when you are well rested, but I find that when I am in the throes of a depression or a particularly anxious time, it is even harder than normal for me to get a good night's sleep, so sleep is not really a cure to mental illnesses. Lawson has another, more autobiographical book entitled Let's Pretend This Never Happened (also good for a lol) and a coloring book.

2. If you like nail polish and have not heard of color street, you should definitely look into it. Cute designs at affordable prices, easy application, and long wear. I'm specifically mentioning them because they have a design called Listen and Love that includes a green ribbon for mental health awareness (there are other awarenesses that also utilize a green ribbon so you could also get it for other causes). $2 of the purchase goes towards two separate organizations aimed at helping youth afflicted by mental illness. I am not really familiar with the organizations the money is going towards, but from what I have read on them, they sound great.

3. Finally, there is the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention. I have mentioned this organization before when I participated in one of their Out of the Darkness Walks. As I have gotten to know others battling mental illness I have learned the hard way how some mental illness cases end. The AFSP is a private organization that supports those who have been affected by suicide as well as works to find various ways to reduce suicide in this country. I strongly support this organization as I have lost two friends to suicide.

If you have any questions or suggestions, please feel free to reach out to me.

An Accomplishment

     As a gift for my birthday, my parents helped provide funds to get two tickets to the Hozier concert in Dallas on March 29.
     As much as I wanted and was excited to attend the concert, I was also very hesitant about it because events like a concert generally incite anxiety in me, and I have missed out on many events like the Hozier concert because of my depression and anxiety.
     So, I was not sure if I would actually be able to attend this concert. My sister and I attended one of Hozier's concerts during his first US tour back in 2015, so it seemed appropriate that my sister was my "guest" to this performance. I also had some hope that I would be able to make this year's performance since I made the initial performance years ago and that performance included travel to Austin.
     Anyways, I MADE IT! I made it to the concert, and, despite occasionally feeling like I wanted to leave, I made it through the concert in its entirety. Although it may not seem like it, this was a pretty significant accomplishment for me - following through on plans for a fairly large event.
     Below are a couple of blurry pictures from the concert and a tweet showing that Hozier (Andrew) seemed to enjoy the concert as well.
    Thank you to all who have and continue to support me, understand when I do cancel plans last minute, and cheer me on in various aspects of my life.

My 26th and 27th Birthdays

So my 26th birthday was last year, and I didn't post anything about it because I was sick with a sinus infection, which turned into sinusitis (chronic sinus infection, yeah, apparently that's a thing), which then turned into a small case of bronchitis/walking pneumonia. All to say, it wasn't very fun and the illness dragged on way longer than I would have liked or anticipated. I think I still technically have sinusitis to this day, though I am actually able to get out of bed and do stuff and am not completely miserable. I just blow my nose more often than the average person. A significant event occurring with my 26th birthday was getting kicked off my parents' insurance. This was a pretty big fear of mine, and I had been preparing for it/thinking about it for years prior to its date. Luckily, I can get insurance through school, so it really wasn't that big of a deal. What was annoying was the two months when I had a primary and a secondary insurance. Apparently, my insurance through school was supposed to be primary all along and my parents' was supposed to be secondary but the scary lady on the phone who represented my parents' insurance adamantly ordered me that my parents' insurance was primary. So all the claims I had for the months of January-February (and there were a lot between my sinus issues and regular therapy appointments) had to be submitted twice so that they could be processed correctly. It was super fun. I feel like I am just now finished with that process.

So, my 27th birthday. Just a few weeks ago. It started off fairly well with a lovely Italian dinner the night before my birthday with my family. We went back to my parents' house and watched baby videos from when my sister and I were about 2 and 4. We were pretty cute. It was difficult to watch the videos though because quite a few of my loved ones who were pictured in the videos are no longer with us. My parents attended a memorial service for a dear family friend on the day of my birthday, so my sister was stuck with me. I slept in. Late. We went out for lunch with one of my sister's friends and then I went back to the house and slept some more (my depression has kind of been acting up so I have been sleeping ridiculous amounts). Originally, I wanted to go play with otters in Fort Worth, but that activity was booked up on the weekends until April. Finally, I roused myself from my slumber and my sister and I watched Bohemian Rhapsody and ordered pizza. We watched some more baby videos sometime on Saturday and it made me sad again. The sadness magnified to the point that I started crying on Saturday night. But it's okay because it was (kind of) my party and I could cry if I want to. Looking back on the festivities, it was really quite nice. It was low-key and relaxed, which is how I like things these days.

Cyclical Cycles, Fate, and Irony

This post is long overdue because the subject of this post began the day after my last post.

I made my last post stating how awesome I was doing, how this new treatment I was pursuing was working, and how hopeful I was.

Within 24 hours of posting that piece to my blog, I could feel the depression creeping back in. After talking with the receptionist of the clinic I had been going to, it was determined that I did not fit their 'standard' model of treatment and would, instead, follow their Plan B treatment. I was scheduled for another treatment that same week.

I immediately felt better for 2 reasons: 1. I felt like I was heard. My fears and concerns were not pushed aside and the symptoms I shared were valued. 2. We had a plan, and it had worked before. Even though I wasn't able to go the 'typical' length of time without a treatment, I was not being punished for my body's reactions. I was accepted back as a patient and I knew another treatment was coming. Since they had worked in the past, why wouldn't they work now? All was good.

I went through about three extra "Plan B" treatments but wasn't really improving. I actually dipped significantly in the middle of the last treatment. I called the office and asked to meet with the doctor overseeing my treatment. After some miscommunication, the receptionist and I got on the same page and squeezed me in to do a phone meeting with the doctor just before she took her holiday vacation.

I spoke to the doctor relaying my concerns that it felt like the treatment was no longer working and shared the negative toll during the most recent treatment. The provider I was seeing used a program that sent me daily texts asking me to rate my day, and they also used PHQ-9 surveys to follow patients' moods and how they relate to treatments. Almost as soon as I relayed my concerns about the treatment no longer being beneficial, the doctor agreed, based on the numbers/graphs the data had collected for her. She even said that it looked like the treatment may have become "detrimental" to me.

This was bittersweet news. More bitter than sweet. The sweet news was that I, once again, was being heard, and the actions I felt needed to be taken were made (i.e., stopping treatment). The far more bitter part is that I am kind of back at square one. We were all really hopeful that this treatment was going to work and provide a more stable life for me, and it did, for about three weeks, which I'm incredibly grateful for. Those were the best three or so weeks I can remember having in a very long time.

Now, I'm working with my regular psychiatrist to try to come up with a new medication cocktail. According to the doctor who oversaw the treatment I received, my neurons would be "bushier" as a result of the treatment so I would be more receptive than normal to antidepressant medication.

My psychiatrist and I are still working to come up with the 'right' medication cocktail. Basically, the problem is the medications that do work, I'm incredibly sensitive to and their side effects become overwhelming and even life-disrupting. My body is like Yes! We'll respond to this one, but we're also going to respond to every other possible thing it can effect.

This entire process is and has been, frustrating and so incredibly draining. I decided to only take one online class this Spring Semester to increase the chances of me being successful with it. After having to take a medical withdrawal last semester, I just want to get something under my belt so I can slowly rebuild my self-confidence when it comes to taking classes.

There are still good things. All is not terrible. It's just different and not what was hoped for or even expected. I think the biggest change I felt when I was doing well on the new treatment was a sense of peace. There were no constant nagging thoughts from my depression that truly require a battle to fight. No wonder I, and so many other people with depression, are so tired all the time. Constantly telling yourself "no, that's not right" or "no, it won't always be like this" or "no it's not that bad" is EXHAUSTING.

So, I'm not in a great place right now, but I'm also not hopeless. I'm looking into some other programs and treatments that are more holistic. I'm slowly entering a new community of supportive people. The flame of hope is still there, flickering, rather than burning brightly for the whole world to see.